From Awareness Builder 101: Chapter 25

25. Who’s the asshole?

 

Sometimes people surprise you. When you think you are good buddies you expect them to speak with respect about you. Well, actually, wouldn’t it be nice you could always count on that? When you simply can trust there will be no talking behind your back. Of course we can do or say something that upsets the other and, when that happens, it would be awesome if the ‘victim’ gives you feedback on it. In private, at a carefully chosen moment. And, very important, in your face. That this person comes from “you probably just had a weak moment to do or say this and I’d like to share the impact it had on me”. Where feedback is simply a gift coming from care and good intention. In that moment, on the receiving end, it might feel uncomfortable but shortly after you are grateful. For the honesty and courage. For the respect and good intention. And when we get over our ego, we’re also probably able to look at the gift in that feedback. And the respect for the person giving this feedback, will only grow.

 

The other day I was surprised by someone I saw as a buddy, as my mate. We were on a trip with a bunch of guys where we shared highs and lows since, on such a trip, we frequently experience huge ups and deep lows. Often on the same day, in just a few hours, if not minutes. We joke about it, make a fool of each other, including ourselves. We live by Ben Zanders’ “rule #6’; “Don’t take yourself so damned serious”*. You can count on it, this group of buddies won’t let a chance pass to test if you can live by that rule. In order to create the space for a special vibe like that, above rule #6 is another one: we joke in your face, not behind your back. And when we give a punch, we are always ready to take one back.

 

One day, I heard one of the group broke the second rule and gossiped behind my back. Based on assumptions he spoke badly about me. He made me look like a total idiot without me being present. Not a smart thing to do, since the system always reveals its secrets. Middle aged men should know that by now. The code of trust was broken and the person who shared it with me also shared his worry: “If he says this about you behind your back, what is being said about me when I’m not there”?

 

And almost, almost I fell in the pitfall of responding on the spot. Say something like “what an asshole”. About the asshole, instead of to the asshole. I was disappointed by him talking behind my back and by me responding in the moment, I would have done the exact same thing. Just like that, without thinking. Maybe all he did was the same thing. Just a slip of the tongue. So maybe he’s not such an asshole after all. Would I have become the asshole making a big thing out of this….

 

Silence is golden. Time puts things in perspective.

 

*Reading tip: The Art of Possibility by Rosamund & Ben Zander

 

 

Journaling questions for this chapter:

 

Where am I making an asshole out of myself by my impulsive reactions?

 

What does it take from me to live by ‘Rule #6’?

 

How am I with keeping silence?

 

 

© 2025. Alex Verlek, Coaching Works International.

 

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