Alex Verlek, Author at Alex Verlek

24. Reasons to be

Congratulations! You’ve found your ‘raison d’être’, you know your purpose. You jump out of bed each morning and off to work with that huge smile on your face. You’re the first to arrive, leaving last. The state of trance caught you and you’re unstoppable. Fully focussed on that one thing that you decided to dedicate your life to.

One evening, whilst getting home late, your key doesn’t fit in the lock. You look up to see if you’re so confused that you’re trying to open your neighbour’s door. But no, it is your front door. You find an envelope taped to the door with your name on it. In it you find a note saying: “This key card is for the hotel room I booked for you. It seems all you need is a bed, a shower and room service. It’s maybe the ‘raison d’être’ for the hotel staff to provide you that service, not mine.” Signed, “your ex.”

Everything in you resists the overwhelming message on this small piece of paper. You feel like shouting and banging on the door. Yet the energy for it is lacking. A deep tiredness fills you and all you can do is stumble back to the car.

You don’t remember how you managed to get to the hotel. In the room you find suitcases with your cloths and boxes with personal belongings. In a corner your work related stuff. Your whole life, well, what’s left of it, fits in one hotel room.

You look around realising it’s true, indeed this seems to be all you need. A wave of sadness overwhelms you and you cry the most intense tears of your life.

With finding your calling, you lost your foundation….

The next morning, for the first time in years, you call in sick. Both surprised and worried your manager asks what’s wrong? “Heartache”, you answer.

It’s true, your heart aches with the painful realisation you more or less forgot to live life whilst living your calling.

You once learned a tool called “Wheel of Life”, an easy way to measure your levels of satisfaction for the key segments of life. You start drawing a circle, divide it in several wedges and you call it “My reasons to be”. “I’m longing to be a good…” is your leading question.

Loving parent. Loving partner. Loyal friend. Dedicated professional. The first words come easy. But then it seems you have forgotten about life. You feel empty. It seems you only lived to work on your purpose and lost connection with the rest of life.

The rest of the day you draw one wheel after the other. After the first one you create specific wheels for each of the different segments. Asking yourself each time the same question: “What are the key ingredients of being a loving partner, parent, etcetera?” With each new layer of selfexploration and self-assessment the picture gets clearer and clearer: You destroyed the balance between your multiple ‘raisons d’être’.

That evening, your partner finds an envelope on the front door. In it a note saying: “I turned blind but you opened my eyes. I would love to start over again. Included two tickets to the Virgin Islands”.

Any alarm bells going off?

Journaling questions for this chapter:

Of what did I lose sight whilst pursuing my purpose or goals?

Of whom did I lose sight whilst pursuing my purpose or goals?

What is a healthy balance between my different ‘raisons d’être’?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

23. Raison d’être

As a coach, I often hear people sharing they’re not happy. Life is boring, their job is a pain. It just doesn’t give them satisfaction and every working day they long for the weekend. Yet the weekend doesn’t give the answer either. The next thing is an ongoing longing for retirement, not seldom dying from boredom shortly after.

A place with a rather different perspective on work, compared to most of the world, is Japan. Here is something funny, they don’t even have a word in their language for retirement such as we know it in Western cultures. Japan also has the world’s highest life span expectations, including high number of centennials. Next to an overall healthier lifestyle, most of the centennials keep themselves active, every single day.

What is it, that enables them to get up early every day to start their tasks with a happy heart and a smile on their face? No, money isn’t the answer, nor is status. Yes, they get (financial) compensation for their work and they also are respected for it. But these are a side catch, not the driving force! Their reason to get out of bed early isn’t external, they found the driving force within themselves.

You’re probably familiar with the experience that you, whilst doing something you totally love, completely loose sense of time. Your whole self is occupied with that one thing you’re doing. As if you’re in a state of trance. You become one with the activity such as the concert pianist becomes one with the grand piano. The only thing that can stop them playing, is the end of that piece of music. Not time nor tiredness. They’re in an unstoppable flow whilst the music comes to life through them. Why can’t artists stop creating, even when there’s only little financial reward or recognition? Why is one person going to work with a huge smile on their face whilst the person next to them in the same traffic jam couldn’t bother less? Why do some of us really don’t understand the concept of retirement?

The one thing they have in common is that they found their ‘raison d’être’. Their reason for being, or as the Japanese call it, their Ikigai. When we connect with the purpose of our life, when we consciously start bringing our activities in line with that, our work transforms into honouring our calling. Each moment we dedicate to that, is a joyful moment. Is a moment of flow. Where we forget about time, about the world around us. Yes, there will be obstacles to overcome, of course! Life will not just be a smooth ride to glory and success. But, as Nietzsche said: “He who has a why to live for, can bear almost any how”.

It is such a strong force of energy, impossible becomes an unacceptable word. There are even studies proving that survivors of the Nazi camps had one thing in common: a reason to live on the other side of the fence. Our fences are often self-created…..My longing for you is that you find your reason(s) to climb and conquer these fences. That you find your ‘raison d’être’.

Journaling questions for this chapter:

What is the purpose I see for myself in life?

What are the fences I created between me and actually living that?

What is waiting for me on the other side of the fence?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

22. Guilty as charged

Nobody wants to hear that sentence. Except for a few ‘special’ people, even the biggest criminal doesn’t want to hear this. When these words come out of the mouth of the judge, you’re in trouble. Maybe you have to pay a fine. Maybe you even need to go to prison. And with that, something essential from you will be taken away; your freedom. Freedom to go where you want, to do what you want, even to be what you want. When the system works correctly, people are being sentenced to go to prison because they committed a rather big crime. According to the system, justice is supposed to be done and the offenders deserve it their freedom is taken from them for a certain amount of time. In the hope it’ll correct them and that they won’t do it again.

Recently I became more aware of a ‘side job’ I have taken on. It’s a voluntary job and I’m afraid I must admit I didn’t really study for it. Yet, I consider myself a specialist. Even much faster and more efficient than those who did study for it. I’m really good at it and it’s no problem to do it whilst involved in other things. And really, I don’t even want money for it since it comes effortless. It’s as easy as breathing, really, I can do it 24/7. No prob! I’m always on duty and I just love it! I am fully committed to this side job and it’s like second nature, it just happens to me, whether I think about or not. I just love this self-appointed side job!!

Curious what it is? Let me tell you: “I am a judge”. Yes, a judge and I’m a freaking specialist. In a split second I am able to charge and sentence people. I have this super-fast built in system that enables me to analyse, categorize, label, judge and sentence people. And they’ve committed serious crimes!! Really, they totally deserve my sentence.

Here are some of the crimes they committed: causing the traffic jam I am in, they are too thick, thin, tall or small. Dress horribly. Smell. Are too loud. Too silent. They are so arrogant or don’t stand up for themselves. Block my view. Speak a language I don’t understand. They look at me. Or not. There are too many of them. They together, me alone. They, they, they, the list of crimes is endless. It is so sad the world is so full of these kind of people. Luckily I am so wise I know why they are wrong….

And luckily I am not like them! Not at all! I am, well, maybe not perfect but at least I know the rules. If only everybody could be like me….. Luckily I am not like them, luckily I am not one of them. Just imagine…..

…….Sounds horrible, right…..? Shame on me! I’m sure it isn’t the same for you! Or maybe…. You do recognize something…?

We judge so lightly. We are prosecutor, judge and the executioner. What happened to one of the wisest rule for life: “Judge not, lest you be judged”.

Journaling questions for this chapter:

Where did I promote myself to a self-assigned judge?

Where would it be a good idea to look in the mirror before I judge someone
else?

Where do I judge others to cover up my own offences?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

21. The curse of remembering

The other day I met this old man. He was just sitting there on the terrace and I happened to end up in a conversation with him. It took him only a couple of minutes to ask me if I knew his age. Of course I didn’t but it was obvious he was proud of his years and after a clearly failed attempt to guess, he revealed his age; an impressive 102 years.

I love listening to these wonderful old people! They have seen so much, experienced so many things.

Just imagine: 2018 minus 102, so he was born in 1916. This Frenchman was born during the first world war and fought in the second, went through several economic crises, helped rebuild his country. And imagine all the things he must have experienced in his personal life…. There must have been lots of joy as that he must have experienced sickness and the loss of loved ones.

I saw a second ring on his finger and, sharp as he still was, he noticed that and answered the not posed question. He lost his wife three years ago and is wearing her wedding ring as a token of love. A tear came to his eyes and shared he misses her every day. They’ve been together for almost 80 years….

“We had a good life” he said, “but those damned Germans, who caused hell during these two wars, I will never forget nor will I forgive them”.

His beautiful old face changed. It lost the glow of love and a mask of hatred and pain came over him. Instead of love, I could read the anger and the hate in his eyes. It gave me the shivers and made me sad. He slowly turned around and pointed with his slightly bended finger towards the statue behind him. Like every French village or town, also here there is a statue to remember the loved ones they lost during the war. Mainly during the ‘Grande guerre’, the big war (WW1), they lost many but also the second world war caused lots of suffering.

“I lost my older brother in the first war and my younger brother in the second. And I still remember the German soldiers who took over our village. Who killed our fathers, brothers, our friends. Who slaughtered innocent woman and children, priests. I can still hear them shouting when they went from door to door searching for whomever they wanted to capture.”

He kept talking and shared how he once decided to never forget, to never forgive his enemies and that for him the war would never be over. Because he would always remember. It was as if I could feel his anger, his hate. His pain. His face dark, his eyes
cold. His open hands turned into fists. Because he once decided, all these years ago, to keep remembering, he never learned to see his former enemies as human beings. Because he decided to remember, he has nightmares every single night. The wars are
over, yet he never found peace. He became a prisoner of war since he could not forget, he could not let
go.

When I walked away, I cried. For all the unnecessary suffering.

Journaling questions for this chapter:

What do I need to forget, to release myself from the prison of my
memory……?

Where did I harden my heart so I can’t see those who once harmed me as
human beings?

What would be the most courageous choice I need to make to let go of the
past and embrace a life free of painful memories?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

20. Smartphone

Sunday. In the summer time that means work, at least to my wife. The fun thing about lunchbreaks where we live, is that they are frequently up to two hours long. What do you mean, a quick bite from a sandwich ham/ cheese from the drawer in your desk? No, for lunch the French take their time and if possible, in a restaurant. We do our utmost to integrate in the culture, so I suggested I would come to pick her up and go out for lunch together. Yes, sometimes adapting to another culture is ‘hard work’…..

We had a simple, but good lunch whilst enjoying sitting on the terrace and the nice and relaxed atmosphere. At some point a family joined, young parents with two gorgeous small girls and a baby boy. I can’t help myself but totally enjoying such a picture perfect, again also impressed how well French children behave in restaurants. Whilst daddy was helping the girls ordering, the mother prepared a bottle for baby-boy. All so cute and what a joy to witness!

A couple of minutes later the hungry baby-boy had finished his lunch and was resting in his mother’s arms. The rest of the family was waiting for theirs. The girls were doing their own thing and the baby just looked around a bit. Mom and Dad were fully focussed. Not on each other or their lovely kids, no, on their damned smartphones! Or should we say, on their freaking ‘stupid-phones’….?

Whilst being absorbed by whatever it was on their phone, there was no contact whatsoever with the children, nor with each other. All that seemed to matter was their phone and because of that, totally missing the gift of the breathtakingly beautiful picture of their gorgeous kids. Missing that short yet very special moment babies are at their cutest. What do you mean ‘social’ media…….

Over and over we witness these kind of moments. A couple in a restaurant, hardly speaking with each other yet fully available for the rest of the world. Deaf and blind for their partner, yet very curious to anything Facebook, Instagram or WhatsApp has to say. Or that email which, for sure, cannot be responded to the next day…. Or the phone became the way to keep kids occupied and, with their pale, blueish faces they are totally occupied by that funny movie on YouTube, preferably with the volume so high that everybody around them can listen in, whether they are interested or not.

Did you also noticed the first question we ask these days when arriving somewhere for the first time, is no longer ‘How are you doing’ but ‘What is the Wifi code’…. And let’s not even start about the accidents caused by using the phone whilst driving. Horrific. Lives, or precious moments of lives lost because of that wonderful invention called the smartphone.

And let’s be honest, more or less every owner of a phone is guilty of the above. Some of it, or all of it. Just sometimes or frequently. I am guilty to it as well. And I just hate this stupid behaviour!

So, I can only come to one conclusion: the phone only becomes a SMARTphone when the owner knows when to put it down or switch it off.

Journaling questions for this chapter:

How do I describe my relationship with my phone?

What parts of life am I missing because of my phone?

What’s the wake-up call I need in this matter?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

19. Bad Bosses

Frequently I hear stories about how bad somebody’s boss is. He, or she, upsets people by what he does, doesn’t do, says, doesn’t say. By being there or by being absent at unexpected moments. By allowing something today but tell you the opposite the next day. By a lack of compliments yet generous with complaints. By having favourites and by having some colleagues which he can’t stand; and clearly showing that.

By blaming others for his own mistakes. By being deaf for suggestions. By taking the best holiday weeks as well as keeping the Christmas gifts received from other companies all to himself. And probably you have other examples when you think back of that annoying boss you once had. Or currently have….. Poor you!

Or, do you simply get the boss you deserve? If he gets the space to be such a horrible boss, what does that say about you? What is it in you, that you tolerate this kind of annoying behaviour?

Before you respond with the famous ‘Yes, but…’ and then give multiple reasons why it is the way it is, that there’s nothing you can do about it, let’s pause for a second.

There seems to be something toxic in this relationship. Yes, relationship. You are in a relationship with your boss. Of course, there is a hierarchy, yet you said ‘Yes’ to this job and by staying or not taking a stand, you accept it. Ok, maybe you can’t leave today (well, just check with yourself how true that actually is….), yet what are you doing to create an ‘escape plan’? When was the last time you gave him feedback and told him about the impact his behaviour has on you?

Or are you staying because you consciously want to learn from this situation so you can be a better boss by the time it’s your turn. Are you keeping a diary with ‘lessons learned’? Are you reflecting on your boss’s behaviour so you can design a profile of the leader you want to be?

In case none of the above is applicable, you’re not an employee, you’re a slave. Which is illegal since a ‘few’ years…. And it is not the boss who is doing that, you allow it yourself. It is you, or me, who do not take a stand. It is not our boss who’s ultimately responsible, we are responsible ourselves.

With accepting this unacceptable behaviour, you are your own worst boss and enslave yourself. Yes, I know, there are some, let’s be polite, not so nice people out there who are trying to lead a team and, since they have been promoted to their maximum level of incompetence, they fail. And being in such a team, having such a boss, simply sucks.

You don’t deserve a boss, you deserve a leader. One who cares about you and for you. Who puts their people first. And in order to get such a leader, you may have to be a leader of yourself first.

Journaling questions for this chapter:

What does leadership mean to me?

Where and how do I need to take the lead?

Where is it time I start to say “yes” or “no” in order to get the leader
I deserve?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

18. The lesson of the garden

Before starting my working day, I like to do some little things in our vegetable garden. Just some quiet time, only surrounded by the sounds of nature. The day slowly waking up. No emails yet. The plants, birds, sometimes some thoughts about the new day, often not even. It’s like meditation. The ‘nothingness’ before 8 or more hours of work waiting for me. Precious moments.

Whilst spending time in the vegetable garden, it may seem not much is happening. The plant will not look much different from yesterday nor will the fruits or vegetables grow overnight. Not even the weeds seem to be in a hurry.

Yet, I’m mistaken. Nature is constantly in action. There is always something changing and when I take a closer look, I start to see things better. Or for the first time. These wonderful moments when you discover that plant starts to blossom, preparing to give food. Rewards for the time and work put into the garden.

The garden holds huge lessons in patience and trust. And commitment because the garden will only give you something when you dedicate time and effort to it. It’s the gardener who needs to prepare the soil and creates the best possible environment for the plants to grow. Often that’s hard labour, boring and repetitive.

You need to start well in advance. In some cases you need to think about the next season even before this season is over. You need to collect the seeds of the plants who just gave you fruit or vegetables. Collect, dry and store them. Label what it is and study how you need to treat them and find out what’s the right moment to sow them again.

You need to fertilise the soil, spade it and then let it rest. Trim where needed. Clean and repair your tools. Build a greenhouse.

When the time is ready, sow the seeds, plant new plants. Protect the new green against invaders or unexpected cold. Give it water when needed, not too much, not too little.

When things start growing, you need to choose which plant you will give priority over the other. You totally understand that when you think you can get it all, you will get much less or even nothing. One will steal away energy from the other or totally choke it.

Then, harvest time! When you’re ready at the right moment, you will be richly rewarded. Sometimes all comes at the same time and you need to work long hours. Sometimes you even have so much of one kind, you need to give it away to others because you don’t want it to go to waste. And sometimes things don’t go well for you, but since you’ve always shared from your abundance, this time your neighbour is happy to share with you.

Entrepreneurs and co-workers; you are like the gardener. Your market, your department is like your garden. Your colleague isn’t your competitor but your neighbour.

Journaling questions for this chapter:

What does it take to treat my colleague / competitor / husband / wife / kids as my neighbour?

How do I share with others to increase collective wellbeing?

How much do I live by the lessons of the garden?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

17. I’m sorry

Very important words to say. After we’ve done something that is disappointing someone. Letting someone down. When we’re in somebody’s way. Or even hurt somebody. There are many occasions where it’s essential to take responsibility for our intended or unintended impact and simply say “I’m sorry”. Well, simply… who was it, who wrote a song about sorry being the hardest word….?

Often, it’s our ego that gets in the way of saying sorry. Our pride, our image is more important than admitting we screwed up. And with that usually making the situation bigger than needed. Very often people get more upset by us not admitting we messed up and apologising for it than the actual mistake. OK, probably that’s not news to you. And if it is, you just found a bonus….

Then I got to know mr. D.

He is a purser on one of the world’s major airlines. This wonderful man broke a record! He said “I’m sorry” or in French “Je suis désolé’ more often in a few minutes than I ever heard before! Did he make so many mistakes? Were so many things going wrong? Was Murphy’s law happening?

None of the above! It was nothing but his humble kindness that made him apologise. And in a way I respect him for it. Like many people say “I’m sorry” just because something is not going in the way somebody else is expecting. It takes a lot of self-management and/or professionalism to say “I’m sorry” even when you didn’t do anything wrong. Like a friend of mine, who also listens to the name ‘sunshine’, and is a ‘maître de cabine’ for another wonderful airline and sometimes shares tiny bits about how often “I’m sorry’ is needed to make somebody else feel better.

AND: How would the world change if we would only expect ‘sorry’ when someone actually made a mistake? And in all other situations either look for our own part in the thing going ‘wrong’ or when it’s just bad luck or simply what it is, not complain and embrace it as part of life. Since life isn’t freaking perfect and sometimes things are just different from what we may have expected.

Let’s just ask ourselves what it requires from us to look at life this way. AND: How would the world change if we would indeed take responsibility for all these moments where we do screw up and authentically say “I AM SORRY”. Just admit we did something, or did not do something, said or not say something that was needed at that moment. Embrace our human imperfection. Nobody is perfect so everybody needs to say “I’m sorry” from time to time.

And, let’s keep these special words for those moments where it’s really necessary. Where we do need to take responsibility for our shortcomings.

Journaling questions for this chapter:

What does “I am sorry” mean to me?

When am I saying “I’m sorry” where I didn’t make a mistake?

When am I not saying “I’m sorry” where I actually did make a mistake?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

16. Magic

When I want some ‘no brain-time’ I like to watch some ‘whatever country got talent’ on YouTube. Part of the fun is the jury. Some weird behaving guys like Simon ‘what’s his name’ or the hot ladies next to him. I admit. The advantage of watching it on YouTube is that I can simply choose the parts that amuse me. Like a father and a son singing that harmonious, selfcomposed song moving me to tears. Or that guy with his funny cloths and ‘wrong’ glasses who happens to have adopted 6 kids with special needs and performing the most beautiful song so the jury can’t help themselves but having to hit that golden buzzer. The only time I’m watching these shows is when I’m alone in my hotel room after leading a course. Just for fun. People doing something they are passionate about, they believe in. What then becomes possible is a kind of magic!

And, you don’t have to be on that show to create magic!! When I’m leading courses and train people coaching-skills, we talk about things that are close to our heart. What is it that brings a smile to your face? What is it that excites you? What moves your heart? What makes you feel fulfilled? Wait a minute; what do these questions mean to you? STOP READING! NOW! Put this book aside and start chewing on these questions. No kidding, stop reading now and reflect on these three short questions. As long as you need.

OK, I hope you found a few answers, so let’s continue. When we connect from our core to what moves us, what brings a smile to our face, to what’s close to our heart, we’re going to experience magic. Your magic. You don’t need to be a magician, a gifted singer, a dancer or talented in any of the fine arts to be magical. Magic lives inside all of us, yes, that includes YOU! With total admiration for people with the talent to perform on stage, I’m also in awe with yourmagic. When you connect with whom you are at your core and start creating magic from there. Every single one of us has something special to bring to this world. It’s maybe not your talent as a singer or your skills as an acrobat, or anything like that. Very likely magic is happening because of what you’re doing every single day. Like my friend who’s an osteopath and with some ‘simple’ moves making people feel much better. Or my friend who’s a teacher whose patience make kids blossom. Or my friend who’s driving handicapped kids to school, so they have a great day. Or my wife, with her eye for detail making people feel welcome and seen.

Or you, with that one thing you do because it matters to your heart, to make a difference to that one person you meet. Magic isn’t a show. Life is magic. When you live what moves your heart.

Journaling questions for this chapter:

How am I bringing magic to the world?

What’s a talent I have, that I want to express more?

Which choices do I want to make to no longer play small and create

magic?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below: