Alex Verlek, Author at Alex Verlek

28. Kids

“Daddy, do we have € 12.500 with us”?, Harry asked his father who stopped spontaneously because he was interested in buying a car from me. A question only a kid would ask with other people around. A totally logical question, and nothing wrong with it, but only a kid would say it. Right?

There is an endless list of things kids would say or ask that are so spot on, direct, transparent and shame-free which most adults would never dare to say that. Kids are just very curious and simply ask what they would like to know more about, like: “You have a weird nose, what is that spot on it”? And whilst asking that question, preferably poke on your nose just to make sure it’s clear it’s your nose we’re talking about…..

Or when they hear a word they don’t know, they just find out: “Mam, what is a milf”? Mother replies with a careful “Well, just someone who is a really nice mother. Why”? Her wonderful son answering with: “Oh, John’s father said you are a milf……”.

Young kids do not know the word shame. They don’t get the concept of ‘politically correct’. They are so real and authentic, they simply say and ask anything that comes up. Frequently leading to hilarious situations for the adults who’re neither the parents nor the ‘victim’. They just give words to what we all see, they are super straightforward with their feedback, they don’t talk around the bush. It’s probably something people dedicating their life to teaching small kids could write wonderful books about. An endless stream of funny quotes, ‘inappropriate’ questions and direct comments.

At least, that is how we adults see it, the kids are clueless about their unintended impact. They are so pure, what comes out of their mouth, even their non-verbal reactions is 100% about what they are experiencing in that very moment. And yes, they can cause awkward situations but they get away with it. What is it, that they can speak the hard truth, ask the weirdest questions and not get fired for it? Not end up in a fight or endless
discussions?

To me it feels the main difference is that kids don’t say these things with a bad intention. They are not smart enough, or is it mean enough to know how to set up a trap for someone. They just blurt what comes up since they are simply curious about what they observe. And when we, adults, take offence, it is our shame or our ego that gets in the way.

A sad milestone in a child’s life is when they experience shame for the first time. That, until then, unknown feeling of unsafety, insecurity, self-doubt. It comes with a pain, that eventually grows so big, that we start to develop mechanisms to avoid this at all cost. The lying, manipulating, bending the truth and keeping up appearances begins….Losing the child in us is one of the saddest moments in our life. Yet, I believe that we can all reconnect with this beautiful and pure energy that lives in us! This is unnecessary suffering…

What do we need to let go off to allow the inner child that’s hiding in us, come to life again?

Imagine what it could bring if we would let go off the obstacles so we can allow the inner child that’s hiding in us, come to life again?

Journaling questions for this chapter:

Where in my life am I holding back because I feel I have to behave in a
certain way?

What would it bring me, when I can be shame free like an innocent
child?

What do I choose to let go of to allow the inner child that’s hiding in me,
come to life again?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

27. Enemies

It’s a blessing to have some wonderful friends. Some of them I don’t know not that long, others for decades. The record is more than 35 years! Travelling through life for so long with friends, you experience a lot, really a lot with each other. We’ve witnessed each other’s marriages, held each other’s new-borns. Held each other when we lost parents. Celebrated special occasions together and cried together when life was really tough. We’ve laughed our heads off and drank too much together. We worried over sickness and witnessed the suffering we all went through. We fought and made up. Spent holidays together, saw the kids growing up and becoming adults.

Well, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about…. Bottom-line is that I’m extremely grateful for having such people in my life and I pray we will grow much older together.

What is the opposite of a friend? The obvious answer seems to be ‘enemy’. I guess I don’t consider many people as my enemy yet looking back in time, I can think of people who really tried hard to deserve this title. One thing that really pisses me off is when someone constantly lies to me. Promises over and over, yet never delivering. An example coming up for me is when someone, after working a long time for this person, never paid for it yet over and over kept saying, next week, next month I’ll pay. With each time a new excuse why not. It’s not even so much about the money, yet the amount was substantial, but more about the constantly broken promises.

At some point I really started to hate this person and I could no longer stand her presence. I was unable to forgive and it occupied my mind, better said, my spirit. After a long time of trying to find a solution, I finally understood it would never happen. It was my birthday and I decided to give myself a huge and very expensive present: I sent a credit invoice and a note that I would close the file. It had to be over, I had to let go of this whole story, it drove me crazy!!

And, it feels I’ve learned something different about myself through this enemy, than I’ve ever learned about myself through my wonderful friends. Where my friends bring out the best in me, my enemy brought out my dark side. To the point it scared me. It shocked me which thoughts crossed my mind….

Looking back at it, I am grateful the universe sent this person on my path since there was a huge lesson I had to learn. I had to understand the dark side that lives in me. The devil that lives in me. That my ego can get so strong and stubborn that everything I think I stand for, gets thrown overboard. The universe sent me this enemy to teach me a lesson, painful yet very important. Probably because I was so convinced about how right I was, I needed to be taught a lesson about how wrong I could be. I had to be sharpened. I had to be softened. I so needed this teacher who ‘dressed up’ as my enemy.

Hmm, interesting concept….

Journaling questions for this chapter:

Who is my enemy who turns out to be my best teacher?

What is the lesson I needed to learn from this teacher?

How and where do I choose to apply this in my life?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

26. Talent

They come in many different ways. Some are breathtaking, other are less impressive. Some are mind blowing, other are hilarious. Sometimes you wonder how on earth it’s possible, sometimes you wonder what got into that person. Sometimes you can’t believe nobody ever discovered this gifted person before, sometimes you hope somebody would have told them to try something else.

Some need a second chance, some steal your heart in seconds. Some make you laugh, some make you cry. Some are still very young, some are more senior. Some sing, some dance, comedy, fine arts, or not so artistic at all…

And it feels many more words are needed to capture the variety of people who come to one of these talent shows. Whether it is Britain, America or whichever country Got Talent, people just love participating in these shows. Some even fly all over the world to participate. The reason being, and it feels that they all have that in common, they want to bring a smile to our face or warm our heart.

Some are more experienced performing artists, not seldom it’s the first time a participant is on stage.

Frequently the person on stage didn’t sign up themselves, a loved one did it for them.

Where some are (very) convinced of their talent, others aren’t at all. They shake and shiver, they giggle or can hardly speak. Sometimes I worry a bit and hope they won’t faint from the stress they’re experiencing.

Yet these are the participants I admire most! Imagine the courage it takes for them to walk on to that stage and stand in front of a critical jury and a huge audience. All the spotlights on them where they actually prefer to be hiding somewhere else. To me these participants are winners even before they even do anything. They’ve overcome a huge obstacle, the biggest obstacle between us and our success.

By walking onto that stage, they overcame themselves. Scared like hell, but they did it. They are champions because they’ve won one of the biggest battles we can fight in our lives; they’ve conquered their lack of self-trust and self-esteem. Their desire to share their talent with the world eventually got bigger than the monsters who tried to keep them hiding behind the curtains.

And when they open their mouth to start singing, frequently it is way beyond anyone would expect based on their entrance, based on their selfpresentation. When they connect with that talent that lives in them, they transform from a shy child into a bright and shining star. It is as if another part of them takes over, the part that knowns and trusts. The part that totally believes in them; their inner power.

To them it is not about winning that show, they’ve already claimed victory.

Where in your life are you ready to claim victory? Like them, you may be too shy to become that champion.

The truth is, you already are. All it takes, is you stepping into it and own your talents.

Journaling questions for this chapter:

Where do I need to claim victory before (or even without) going on stage?

What is the talent I’m hiding and long to embrace?

What do I choose to step into, or let go of, so I can let my star shine?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

Once, I was not—

I was nothing.

Then I became a longing,

a spirit alive in my parents’ hearts—

their wish made flesh,

their love’s first dream.

That love sealed my beginning:

a spark of fusion

in my mother’s womb.

She discovered me—

a tender smile,

fragile, new,

safe and sheltered,

lovingly awaited.

I became a season of waiting,

names whispered over me,

my gender still unknown.

On my birthday

I received a name—

and my first roles.

For so long I was almost nothing,

but now I was son,

little brother, grandchild,

citizen of the world—

a soul in God’s reflection,

meant to be myself,

and wholly free.

Yet with every role I took,

more weight was added—

less freedom,

more expectation,

pressures spoken or silent.

From allowed to be

to must do—

the toll of adulthood.

Tired of the yoke,

I searched for myself:

for freedom,

for the unbroken child within.

Believing I was “so much,”

I stumbled on my own shadow.

From child to youth,

to grown, to elder—

life as experiment,

without retakes.

Then came the great realization:

I am the sum of all my choices.

And I know one day I’ll be no more

than a memory that fades.

Dust you are, and to dust you shall return—

dust for thought.

From nothing to longing,

to something, to memory,

to dust, to nothing.

Between nothing and nothing lies my life.

Why the rush? I am a link

between past and future generations.

My greatest task:

to leave the world

a little kinder

than it was given to me.

When I close my eyes

and fade from something back to nothing,

I hope to die with a smile—

not for what I did or who I was,

but for what I passed on.

I lived in the freedom of being,

the outcome of love,

and love as my outcome.

By Alex Verlek ©

25. Who’s the asshole?

Sometimes people surprise you. When you think you are good buddies you expect them to speak with respect about you. Well, actually, wouldn’t it be nice you could always count on that? When you simply can trust there will be no talking behind your back. Of course we can do or say something that upsets the other and, when that happens, it would be awesome if the ‘victim’ gives you feedback on it. In private, at a carefully chosen moment. And, very important, in your face. That this person comes from “you probably just had a weak moment to do or say this and I’d like to share the impact it had on me”. Where feedback is simply a gift coming from care and good intention. In that moment, on the receiving end, it might feel uncomfortable but shortly after you are grateful. For the honesty and courage. For the respect and good intention. And when we get over our ego, we’re also probably able to look at the gift in that feedback. And the respect for the person giving this feedback, will only grow.

The other day I was surprised by someone I saw as a buddy, as my mate. We were on a trip with a bunch of guys where we shared highs and lows since, on such a trip, we frequently experience huge ups and deep lows. Often on the same day, in just a few hours, if not minutes. We joke about it, make a fool of each other, including ourselves. We live by Ben Zanders’ “rule #6’; “Don’t take yourself so damned serious”*. You can count on it, this group of buddies won’t let a chance pass to test if you can live by that rule. In order to create the space for a special vibe like that, above rule #6 is another one: we joke in your face, not behind your back. And when we give a punch, we are always ready to take one back.

One day, I heard one of the group broke the second rule and gossiped behind my back. Based on assumptions he spoke badly about me. He made me look like a total idiot without me being present. Not a smart thing to do, since the system always reveals its secrets. Middle aged men should know that by now. The code of trust was broken and the person who shared it with me also shared his worry: “If he says this about you behind your back, what is being said about me when I’m not there”?

And almost, almost I fell in the pitfall of responding on the spot. Say something like “what an asshole”. About the asshole, instead of to the asshole. I was disappointed by him talking behind my back and by me responding in the moment, I would have done the exact same thing. Just like that, without thinking. Maybe all he did was the same thing. Just a slip of the tongue. So maybe he’s not such an asshole after all. Would I have become the asshole making a big thing out of this….

Silence is golden. Time puts things in perspective.

*Reading tip: The Art of Possibility by Rosamund & Ben Zander

Journaling questions for this chapter:

Where am I making an asshole out of myself by my impulsive reactions?

What does it take from me to live by ‘Rule #6’?

How am I with keeping silence?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

24. Reasons to be

Congratulations! You’ve found your ‘raison d’être’, you know your purpose. You jump out of bed each morning and off to work with that huge smile on your face. You’re the first to arrive, leaving last. The state of trance caught you and you’re unstoppable. Fully focussed on that one thing that you decided to dedicate your life to.

One evening, whilst getting home late, your key doesn’t fit in the lock. You look up to see if you’re so confused that you’re trying to open your neighbour’s door. But no, it is your front door. You find an envelope taped to the door with your name on it. In it you find a note saying: “This key card is for the hotel room I booked for you. It seems all you need is a bed, a shower and room service. It’s maybe the ‘raison d’être’ for the hotel staff to provide you that service, not mine.” Signed, “your ex.”

Everything in you resists the overwhelming message on this small piece of paper. You feel like shouting and banging on the door. Yet the energy for it is lacking. A deep tiredness fills you and all you can do is stumble back to the car.

You don’t remember how you managed to get to the hotel. In the room you find suitcases with your cloths and boxes with personal belongings. In a corner your work related stuff. Your whole life, well, what’s left of it, fits in one hotel room.

You look around realising it’s true, indeed this seems to be all you need. A wave of sadness overwhelms you and you cry the most intense tears of your life.

With finding your calling, you lost your foundation….

The next morning, for the first time in years, you call in sick. Both surprised and worried your manager asks what’s wrong? “Heartache”, you answer.

It’s true, your heart aches with the painful realisation you more or less forgot to live life whilst living your calling.

You once learned a tool called “Wheel of Life”, an easy way to measure your levels of satisfaction for the key segments of life. You start drawing a circle, divide it in several wedges and you call it “My reasons to be”. “I’m longing to be a good…” is your leading question.

Loving parent. Loving partner. Loyal friend. Dedicated professional. The first words come easy. But then it seems you have forgotten about life. You feel empty. It seems you only lived to work on your purpose and lost connection with the rest of life.

The rest of the day you draw one wheel after the other. After the first one you create specific wheels for each of the different segments. Asking yourself each time the same question: “What are the key ingredients of being a loving partner, parent, etcetera?” With each new layer of selfexploration and self-assessment the picture gets clearer and clearer: You destroyed the balance between your multiple ‘raisons d’être’.

That evening, your partner finds an envelope on the front door. In it a note saying: “I turned blind but you opened my eyes. I would love to start over again. Included two tickets to the Virgin Islands”.

Any alarm bells going off?

Journaling questions for this chapter:

Of what did I lose sight whilst pursuing my purpose or goals?

Of whom did I lose sight whilst pursuing my purpose or goals?

What is a healthy balance between my different ‘raisons d’être’?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

23. Raison d’être

As a coach, I often hear people sharing they’re not happy. Life is boring, their job is a pain. It just doesn’t give them satisfaction and every working day they long for the weekend. Yet the weekend doesn’t give the answer either. The next thing is an ongoing longing for retirement, not seldom dying from boredom shortly after.

A place with a rather different perspective on work, compared to most of the world, is Japan. Here is something funny, they don’t even have a word in their language for retirement such as we know it in Western cultures. Japan also has the world’s highest life span expectations, including high number of centennials. Next to an overall healthier lifestyle, most of the centennials keep themselves active, every single day.

What is it, that enables them to get up early every day to start their tasks with a happy heart and a smile on their face? No, money isn’t the answer, nor is status. Yes, they get (financial) compensation for their work and they also are respected for it. But these are a side catch, not the driving force! Their reason to get out of bed early isn’t external, they found the driving force within themselves.

You’re probably familiar with the experience that you, whilst doing something you totally love, completely loose sense of time. Your whole self is occupied with that one thing you’re doing. As if you’re in a state of trance. You become one with the activity such as the concert pianist becomes one with the grand piano. The only thing that can stop them playing, is the end of that piece of music. Not time nor tiredness. They’re in an unstoppable flow whilst the music comes to life through them. Why can’t artists stop creating, even when there’s only little financial reward or recognition? Why is one person going to work with a huge smile on their face whilst the person next to them in the same traffic jam couldn’t bother less? Why do some of us really don’t understand the concept of retirement?

The one thing they have in common is that they found their ‘raison d’être’. Their reason for being, or as the Japanese call it, their Ikigai. When we connect with the purpose of our life, when we consciously start bringing our activities in line with that, our work transforms into honouring our calling. Each moment we dedicate to that, is a joyful moment. Is a moment of flow. Where we forget about time, about the world around us. Yes, there will be obstacles to overcome, of course! Life will not just be a smooth ride to glory and success. But, as Nietzsche said: “He who has a why to live for, can bear almost any how”.

It is such a strong force of energy, impossible becomes an unacceptable word. There are even studies proving that survivors of the Nazi camps had one thing in common: a reason to live on the other side of the fence. Our fences are often self-created…..My longing for you is that you find your reason(s) to climb and conquer these fences. That you find your ‘raison d’être’.

Journaling questions for this chapter:

What is the purpose I see for myself in life?

What are the fences I created between me and actually living that?

What is waiting for me on the other side of the fence?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

22. Guilty as charged

Nobody wants to hear that sentence. Except for a few ‘special’ people, even the biggest criminal doesn’t want to hear this. When these words come out of the mouth of the judge, you’re in trouble. Maybe you have to pay a fine. Maybe you even need to go to prison. And with that, something essential from you will be taken away; your freedom. Freedom to go where you want, to do what you want, even to be what you want. When the system works correctly, people are being sentenced to go to prison because they committed a rather big crime. According to the system, justice is supposed to be done and the offenders deserve it their freedom is taken from them for a certain amount of time. In the hope it’ll correct them and that they won’t do it again.

Recently I became more aware of a ‘side job’ I have taken on. It’s a voluntary job and I’m afraid I must admit I didn’t really study for it. Yet, I consider myself a specialist. Even much faster and more efficient than those who did study for it. I’m really good at it and it’s no problem to do it whilst involved in other things. And really, I don’t even want money for it since it comes effortless. It’s as easy as breathing, really, I can do it 24/7. No prob! I’m always on duty and I just love it! I am fully committed to this side job and it’s like second nature, it just happens to me, whether I think about or not. I just love this self-appointed side job!!

Curious what it is? Let me tell you: “I am a judge”. Yes, a judge and I’m a freaking specialist. In a split second I am able to charge and sentence people. I have this super-fast built in system that enables me to analyse, categorize, label, judge and sentence people. And they’ve committed serious crimes!! Really, they totally deserve my sentence.

Here are some of the crimes they committed: causing the traffic jam I am in, they are too thick, thin, tall or small. Dress horribly. Smell. Are too loud. Too silent. They are so arrogant or don’t stand up for themselves. Block my view. Speak a language I don’t understand. They look at me. Or not. There are too many of them. They together, me alone. They, they, they, the list of crimes is endless. It is so sad the world is so full of these kind of people. Luckily I am so wise I know why they are wrong….

And luckily I am not like them! Not at all! I am, well, maybe not perfect but at least I know the rules. If only everybody could be like me….. Luckily I am not like them, luckily I am not one of them. Just imagine…..

…….Sounds horrible, right…..? Shame on me! I’m sure it isn’t the same for you! Or maybe…. You do recognize something…?

We judge so lightly. We are prosecutor, judge and the executioner. What happened to one of the wisest rule for life: “Judge not, lest you be judged”.

Journaling questions for this chapter:

Where did I promote myself to a self-assigned judge?

Where would it be a good idea to look in the mirror before I judge someone
else?

Where do I judge others to cover up my own offences?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

21. The curse of remembering

The other day I met this old man. He was just sitting there on the terrace and I happened to end up in a conversation with him. It took him only a couple of minutes to ask me if I knew his age. Of course I didn’t but it was obvious he was proud of his years and after a clearly failed attempt to guess, he revealed his age; an impressive 102 years.

I love listening to these wonderful old people! They have seen so much, experienced so many things.

Just imagine: 2018 minus 102, so he was born in 1916. This Frenchman was born during the first world war and fought in the second, went through several economic crises, helped rebuild his country. And imagine all the things he must have experienced in his personal life…. There must have been lots of joy as that he must have experienced sickness and the loss of loved ones.

I saw a second ring on his finger and, sharp as he still was, he noticed that and answered the not posed question. He lost his wife three years ago and is wearing her wedding ring as a token of love. A tear came to his eyes and shared he misses her every day. They’ve been together for almost 80 years….

“We had a good life” he said, “but those damned Germans, who caused hell during these two wars, I will never forget nor will I forgive them”.

His beautiful old face changed. It lost the glow of love and a mask of hatred and pain came over him. Instead of love, I could read the anger and the hate in his eyes. It gave me the shivers and made me sad. He slowly turned around and pointed with his slightly bended finger towards the statue behind him. Like every French village or town, also here there is a statue to remember the loved ones they lost during the war. Mainly during the ‘Grande guerre’, the big war (WW1), they lost many but also the second world war caused lots of suffering.

“I lost my older brother in the first war and my younger brother in the second. And I still remember the German soldiers who took over our village. Who killed our fathers, brothers, our friends. Who slaughtered innocent woman and children, priests. I can still hear them shouting when they went from door to door searching for whomever they wanted to capture.”

He kept talking and shared how he once decided to never forget, to never forgive his enemies and that for him the war would never be over. Because he would always remember. It was as if I could feel his anger, his hate. His pain. His face dark, his eyes
cold. His open hands turned into fists. Because he once decided, all these years ago, to keep remembering, he never learned to see his former enemies as human beings. Because he decided to remember, he has nightmares every single night. The wars are
over, yet he never found peace. He became a prisoner of war since he could not forget, he could not let
go.

When I walked away, I cried. For all the unnecessary suffering.

Journaling questions for this chapter:

What do I need to forget, to release myself from the prison of my
memory……?

Where did I harden my heart so I can’t see those who once harmed me as
human beings?

What would be the most courageous choice I need to make to let go of the
past and embrace a life free of painful memories?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below: