Alex Verlek, Author at Alex Verlek

17. I’m sorry

Very important words to say. After we’ve done something that is disappointing someone. Letting someone down. When we’re in somebody’s way. Or even hurt somebody. There are many occasions where it’s essential to take responsibility for our intended or unintended impact and simply say “I’m sorry”. Well, simply… who was it, who wrote a song about sorry being the hardest word….?

Often, it’s our ego that gets in the way of saying sorry. Our pride, our image is more important than admitting we screwed up. And with that usually making the situation bigger than needed. Very often people get more upset by us not admitting we messed up and apologising for it than the actual mistake. OK, probably that’s not news to you. And if it is, you just found a bonus….

Then I got to know mr. D.

He is a purser on one of the world’s major airlines. This wonderful man broke a record! He said “I’m sorry” or in French “Je suis désolé’ more often in a few minutes than I ever heard before! Did he make so many mistakes? Were so many things going wrong? Was Murphy’s law happening?

None of the above! It was nothing but his humble kindness that made him apologise. And in a way I respect him for it. Like many people say “I’m sorry” just because something is not going in the way somebody else is expecting. It takes a lot of self-management and/or professionalism to say “I’m sorry” even when you didn’t do anything wrong. Like a friend of mine, who also listens to the name ‘sunshine’, and is a ‘maître de cabine’ for another wonderful airline and sometimes shares tiny bits about how often “I’m sorry’ is needed to make somebody else feel better.

AND: How would the world change if we would only expect ‘sorry’ when someone actually made a mistake? And in all other situations either look for our own part in the thing going ‘wrong’ or when it’s just bad luck or simply what it is, not complain and embrace it as part of life. Since life isn’t freaking perfect and sometimes things are just different from what we may have expected.

Let’s just ask ourselves what it requires from us to look at life this way. AND: How would the world change if we would indeed take responsibility for all these moments where we do screw up and authentically say “I AM SORRY”. Just admit we did something, or did not do something, said or not say something that was needed at that moment. Embrace our human imperfection. Nobody is perfect so everybody needs to say “I’m sorry” from time to time.

And, let’s keep these special words for those moments where it’s really necessary. Where we do need to take responsibility for our shortcomings.

Journaling questions for this chapter:

What does “I am sorry” mean to me?

When am I saying “I’m sorry” where I didn’t make a mistake?

When am I not saying “I’m sorry” where I actually did make a mistake?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

16. Magic

When I want some ‘no brain-time’ I like to watch some ‘whatever country got talent’ on YouTube. Part of the fun is the jury. Some weird behaving guys like Simon ‘what’s his name’ or the hot ladies next to him. I admit. The advantage of watching it on YouTube is that I can simply choose the parts that amuse me. Like a father and a son singing that harmonious, selfcomposed song moving me to tears. Or that guy with his funny cloths and ‘wrong’ glasses who happens to have adopted 6 kids with special needs and performing the most beautiful song so the jury can’t help themselves but having to hit that golden buzzer. The only time I’m watching these shows is when I’m alone in my hotel room after leading a course. Just for fun. People doing something they are passionate about, they believe in. What then becomes possible is a kind of magic!

And, you don’t have to be on that show to create magic!! When I’m leading courses and train people coaching-skills, we talk about things that are close to our heart. What is it that brings a smile to your face? What is it that excites you? What moves your heart? What makes you feel fulfilled? Wait a minute; what do these questions mean to you? STOP READING! NOW! Put this book aside and start chewing on these questions. No kidding, stop reading now and reflect on these three short questions. As long as you need.

OK, I hope you found a few answers, so let’s continue. When we connect from our core to what moves us, what brings a smile to our face, to what’s close to our heart, we’re going to experience magic. Your magic. You don’t need to be a magician, a gifted singer, a dancer or talented in any of the fine arts to be magical. Magic lives inside all of us, yes, that includes YOU! With total admiration for people with the talent to perform on stage, I’m also in awe with yourmagic. When you connect with whom you are at your core and start creating magic from there. Every single one of us has something special to bring to this world. It’s maybe not your talent as a singer or your skills as an acrobat, or anything like that. Very likely magic is happening because of what you’re doing every single day. Like my friend who’s an osteopath and with some ‘simple’ moves making people feel much better. Or my friend who’s a teacher whose patience make kids blossom. Or my friend who’s driving handicapped kids to school, so they have a great day. Or my wife, with her eye for detail making people feel welcome and seen.

Or you, with that one thing you do because it matters to your heart, to make a difference to that one person you meet. Magic isn’t a show. Life is magic. When you live what moves your heart.

Journaling questions for this chapter:

How am I bringing magic to the world?

What’s a talent I have, that I want to express more?

Which choices do I want to make to no longer play small and create

magic?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

15. Respect

More than 10 kilometres up in the air. In a huge bird. Unless you’re a smart ass engineer you just can’t figure out how this impressive Boeing 777-200 is ever able to lift off. Hundreds of people get on board. I’m just one of them. After working for a few days in Seoul, South Korea, I’m heading back home. A long journey with two flights and several hours of driving home before I’ll finally, way after midnight, be able to wrap myself around my loved one. Feeling her skin against mine, her warm body against mine. Safely home, in the comfort of my own house surrounded by love. Whether it be a partner, pets, the furniture, home and comfort is what we long for, pretty sure that’s one thing all passengers have in common.

We’re flying through time zones, crossing huge countries like China and Russia before we’ll be landing in Paris after more than 11 hours of flying. Another thing all people on board during this long flight share, is a desire for comfort, for being treated like an appreciated guest. On this flight I’m one of the lucky ones. After a long time of collecting miles and adding an acceptable amount, I could upgrade to business class. An unknown luxury to me and I’m enjoying myself like a little child.

Until…. I see how some of the fellow ‘lucky ones’ are responding to the crew. The flight attendants who are doing their very, very best to treat us like royals. OK, I know it’s their job but come on, they are human beings like you and me. They too are looking forward to the moment they’re opening their front door and wrap themselves around a loved one.

And one of the things all the people I’ve met have in common, is the desire to be respected. Whether it’s the beggar in the street, hotel staff, the waiter or waitress, the taxi driver or the flight attendant, they all have a deeply rooted desire to be respected.

Who the fuck (yes, happy to not have an editor!) do we think we are to treat the people who’re serving us like shit! Why do we treat them less, or even slightly different than for instance the boys and girls wearing fancy clothes whilst in their CEO-roles? Why do we think we can ask things above and beyond reason from flight attendants, from anyone serving us? Just because we’re paying? Sorry, it just pisses me off!

Respect is born in seeing every human being as equal. No matter role or position. We’re all born naked, we’ll all die alone. To make the journey in between these moments more pleasant, let’s remember we are all just human beings with a desire to be respected.

My definition of respect is ‘treat everyone as you want to be treated’. If you want to be treated like royals, treat those who serve you like royals. If you want to be treated like shit…..you got the picture.

Journaling questions for this chapter:

What’s my definition of respect?

Where do I allow or tolerate disrespect?

Where do I catch myself treating others not that respectful?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

14. My Owner

Questions. In general we aim to answer them instantly. The faster the better. That’s also the expectation with which we ask questions. We want instant answers, solutions, clarity. Nothing wrong with it!! In most cases that’s exactly what I want myself. I have a question and I need an answer so I can move forward.

Yet sometimes, a question really deserves it to marinate in time. These aren’t the questions which are asked to give an answer to the person who asked. No, they are a gift for the one receiving the question. It’s meant to send the receiving person on a rich journey of exploration. Hours, days or even weeks of chewing on that question. Whilst there is no right or wrong answer, yet with time the answer usually evolves. Layer after layer opens up with time. It’s a bit philosophical, maybe even a spiritual journey of self-exploration. Finding an answer and questioning it right away. Because something inside you tells you there is more to be discovered. It’s like a good wine where time is an essential part of its richness.

Recently I was given such a question: “Who is your owner”. Just 4 simple words. And I ‘wrestled’ with those words for weeks. Who. Is. My. Owner.? Eventually two answers remained: I and God. Or was it God and I? Hmm, a new question came from the answer. I decided after a few days that the order didn’t matter. I came to that conclusion after asking a 3rd and a 4th question: “What does it actually mean if I am my owner?” And: “Or when God is my owner?”.

Being someone’s possession initially felt limiting, not free. Yet I see God as the Divine Power, Spirit and Love who trusts me and loves me unconditionally. So much that I’ve been given the free choice what to make of my life. Isn’t that the ultimate gift towards freedom, towards life? Feeling that Power, Spirit and Love makes that it doesn’t matter anymore whether it’s God or I who owns me. We’re in this together!

Then owner God asked: “Do you love him as much as I do? Do you dare to love yourself with Divine Spirit, Power and Love?”

These questions moved me deeply. Yet the answer was “no, not fully”, I didn’t feel judged by it. On the contrary, it was an invitation, an encouragement! If you want to please your owners, dare to love yourself. Dare to grow and bear fruit. Dare to explore what life has in store for you. Explore and live. Oh yes, that includes making mistakes. They are meant to teach you important lessons so embrace your mistakes as an essential part of your journey. It’s part of the plan.

Moved by all this, one question remained towards my owners: “How to live up to their expectations?”

God took the lead in answering: “Just do your best”. I agreed. Me cried with relief.

Journaling questions for this chapter:

What’s the deal I want to close with my owner(s)?

Do I dare to love myself with Divine Spirit, Power and Love? If so, how? If not, what’s getting in the way?

What choices do I want to make in order to judge myself less and simply embrace all I can do is my best?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

13. JOY IS

All my Facebook posts start with these two words. And then it describes something that brings a smile to my face. Accompanied with a picture of that moment, that view, that feeling.

The posts were born in response to the countless posts with political or religious opinionated messages. Agreeing or disagreeing with a certain politician. Trying to convince the world about how God sees something, to be more religious, in a different way, or why you shouldn’t be religious. Another favourite topic; things that go wrong in the world where we of course need to share our opinion. In reaction to those opinions, on either of the above topics, more opinions. Pro, con, left, right…. It is as if I’m reading another newspaper or magazine. We’ve got enough of those!

Once I saw a cartoon which was also spot-on! A waiter in a restaurant asked the couple if there was something wrong with their food since they hadn’t taken a picture to post on Facebook yet. Aaagh, as if I care you’re eating Brussels sprouts, a steak, or spaghetti?!! Drinking a beer or a cocktail?!! Well, not the slightest bit….sorry.

What I do care about, is if you’re finding joy in life. Joy, that feeling that makes your heart sing. That makes your eyes water. That brings a smile to your face. That makes you cuddle up with that person next to you. That makes you slow down for a moment. That makes you want to sing or dance. Or both!

And when you witness other people enJOYing life, for just that brief moment, it often also brings a bit of joy to your heart. Try it, open up for it.

In response to my series of JOY IS posts, people sometimes wonder if life is just one big party for me. Always joy? That can’t be!?! And they are correct, as much as they are mistaken.

I do know my share of struggles. For instance, my body decided to have fibromyalgia, meaning that there is not a single day without pain. I lost a parent at a rather young age. I had a totally failed marriage with two kids, with all the troubles that come with that. I have three grandchildren and of two of them I don’t even know their names. I’ve been ill for more than two years which still carries its scars. And I can go on. Like you could create your long list of struggles and challenges. We’re the same. Life sometimes isn’t funny at all. If that’s where your focus is….

When the doctor told me about my fibromyalgia and that there is nothing I could do to make it better, I decided to prove her wrong. Instead of having the focus on my pain, I decided to focus on the gifts of life. The moments I’m touched by something beautiful, something fun, something special. It’s usually found in something that’s not costing any money, and very widely available. It’s to be found in the ‘simple’ things of life.

JOY IS for free, all you need to do is put your focus on it. And it’ll soften many, many pains and fears….

Journaling questions for this chapter:

What is an area in my life where I could do with more JOY?

What is JOY for me?

I choose to add more JOY to my day by….?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

12. (I’m)Perfect

From time to time it shows up, that so called liberating reframe of the word imperfect. With a bit of ‘creativity’ the word ‘imperfect’ transforms into ‘I’m Perfect’.

Come on, who are we fooling here?!

I’ve got some shocking news, NOBODY is perfect. Nobody, meaning not a single person in the world. Even those who look into the mirror and come to the conclusion that ‘if perfect doesn’t exist, it doesn’t get much closer than the person I’m looking at now”, you’re simply underlining that nobody is perfect.

This whole ‘I’m Perfect’ nonsense to me simply proves we’re unable to embrace our human nature. We just find it too hard to embrace our shortcomings. Making mistakes, breaking rules or even the law, lying, forgetting, even screwing up completely, it’s all part of life!

I think being perfect would also be utterly boring! Never again wondering whether you will succeed or fail…. Always knowing in advance that whatever you do, whatever you try will work out without any shortcoming, not a single error at all. Every exam we take, we know beforehand we get the maximum score.

Without feeling the sadness of a failed exam or a failed attempt, we would never be able to experience the joy of succeeding. It would just be normal. Imagine that this exciting anticipation, this wondering will it work out or not, will be stolen away from you? This would also steel away the joy of succeeding, of passing that exam or whatever thing we tried out….. Remember that ‘joy-gasm’ the last time you heard that great news of succeeding? When you screamed from the top of your lungs a raw and loud ‘YES’!! Your heart-beat went up and you were dancing with joy. Well, being perfect will steal that away from you. It’ll simply make you an emotional flat liner. Emotionally dead.

Another thing. Let’s imagine for a moment you found the perfect partner. Your partner’s words, acts, moves, looks, silence, clothes, everything would be just perfect. I would just freaking hate myself since I’ll never be able to keep up, to feel equal to that annoyingly perfect partner!

OK, imagine that you too are a perfect partner. So never any arguments again, hmm, boring! And on top of that, it would steal away good old make-up sex, nah, that could never have been the idea behind a good and alive relationship.

There’s a third scary thought. Next to a totally boring, joy-less, predictable, emotionally flat life without make-up sex, we would lose so many chances to learn. We need to be imperfect to make mistakes whilst mistakes are a door-opener to learn and grow. To learn and be creative whilst trying out new ways. I believe in the old wisdom that where we fall, often the biggest treasures can be found. Or that acronym, FAIL: First Attempt In Learning. We need to fail, we need to be imperfect in order to learn.

So here is a small test you can do to decide if you really want to be perfect. I want a life without:

o Joy

o Make-up sex

o Learning

If you tick one or more of the boxes, I wish you good luck on your path to perfection. If you tick none of the boxes, just get over yourself and embrace your human state of imperfection.

Journaling questions for this chapter:

Where do I long to let go of my perfectionism?

How is my perfectionism an obstacle of freedom and joy?

How is my perfectionism an obstacle towards my relationships?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

11. The Magic of Silence

When I think about why the universe changed the course of my life when coaching found me, one of the answers that keeps coming back is that I needed to learn a lot about myself. I also needed a lot more preparation to deal with what life still had in store for me.

Though coaching found me in my early forties, and I considered myself as a grown up man, it became very clear that I needed a big list of additional skills.

I must admit, I always thought I was pretty smart with words. Not often I didn’t know what to say and when I spoke, it was often smart and convincing. Even funny from time to time.

Now it feels that convincing was frequently actually overpowering, using smart words, sharp words, position or posture as tools to get it my way. I describe this as competitive communication where the aim is to win. Listening was actually analysing and measuring the others’ words to find out how I could use them for my personal gain. Listening was done through the filters of gaining and losing, right or wrong, enemy or friend.

Often the words never got much further than my brain, the place where logic lives.

Whilst being trained as a Co-Active coach, I learned about multiple ways to listen. A real breakthrough happened when I somehow realised why we have two ears and only one mouth. Guess why that would be…??? Maybe a simple conclusion could be that it might be a good idea to listen twice as much as that we speak. And since it feels I have some catching up to do here, I’m aiming for a different ratio. Even more listening and even less talking.

One place I discovered to be a very good environment to practice listening, is in nature. As often as possible I go into nature, preferably on my own, which makes it even easier to not speak…. With listening being the only option left, I started to listen to the silence. The sounds of silence. The gifts of silence. Have you ever been sitting in a forest very early in the morning or when it’s getting dark? That moment where the birds welcome the day or sing to say it goodbye and welcome the night. When you are so silent you can hear a roe deer approaching, a mouse between the leaves. Or even your own heartbeat.

This only becomes possible when you reach a state of silence, that you start listening with your soul. And a deep, intimate way of communication opens up when we start listening this way to other people. When we allow the words we hear, or even the silence we hear, to not only be filtered by our minds for meaning, but also by our whole body, our heart and our soul, as if we become like one big ear. That’s when we start hearing, no actually experiencing much more of the message the other human being is transmitting. And it’s then often our silence that forms the next question, not our words.

In silence we can learn to listen, not only to hear, not only to understand but to accept and connect.

Journaling questions for this chapter:

What is my heart longing for to hear?

What can I hear in the silence?

Where in my life do I want to practice more WAIT (Why Am I Talking)?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

10. Recovering Calvinist

Sometimes things don’t go as planned. After some calls in the morning, I was supposed to see somebody in the afternoon. It had been a really long time since I saw this person and I was really looking forward to this reunion. Sometimes it just happens that you bump into someone where it feels like there is a click from the start. Then my ‘gypsy lifestyle’ continues, so I often never see that person again, or it takes years.

Providence brought us close to each other and we decided to benefit from the occasion and carve out time together. To reconnect, to catch up and to see what the future might hold. Next to catching up on a personal level, I was also curious what we could create together professionally. Whatever the outcome would be, I was looking forward to this moment! After finishing my calls I sent a message where to meet and decided to enjoy the sun whilst overlooking the Mediterranean. It was just a narrow street and the beach of Sitges between me and the sea. Then a message arrived from my friend; something with one of the kids came up, meeting cancelled. Just like that, all plans ruined.

Carved out a whole afternoon….. After all these years….. Several other thoughts crossed my mind. Disappointment and frustration took over. To the point I almost started feeling sorry for myself……

Man, wake up! Get your act together and don’t let this ruin your afternoon, your day even! Look in front of you. Sea, beach, people, aliveness, some free time!

A few minutes later I found myself walking on the beach, wow, can’t remember how long ago that was. Walking on the beach of Sitges, there could be worse ‘punishments’ for a cancelled appointment! On the beach I started looking for shells, like I did as a kid. I was surprised, I didn’t find any. Just tiny, tiny shells. I looked up and also found many people without ‘shells’. Both genders felt free to show bellies and breasts, no need to hide anything. Couples in all thinkable combinations kissing on the beach, because they are in love. Another doing yoga exercises on the end of a peer. A mother breastfeeding her baby. Bodies in all shapes and sizes were shown freely. A group of elderly ladies doing aqua aerobics. People were just doing what they felt like doing. Nobody felt they needed to hide anything, nobody needed a shell to hide in. Everybody could simply be themselves. Nobody took offence. Agreeing or not wasn’t relevant, just be your wonderful self.

I found a nice place close by the sea to reflect and enjoy the sun and the wind on my skin.

Then I realised what I needed to learn this afternoon. I thought I already freed myself from a lot of the limiting protestant, Calvinistic beliefs I was brought up with. The shell I needed to get out was the shell of ‘thou shalt’ or ‘thou shan’t’. Thou should always keep your promises. Thou shouldn’t kiss at certain places. And so on. I was shocked. Why did I even notice all the things listed above. Because they went through my old Calvinistic ‘thou should (not)-filter’.

Recovered Calvinist. I thought so. This shell seems to be stubborn. But I will break free! Now! And as often as needed. Guess I’m not the only ‘shell-fish’. We create many shells; fear, judgement, shame, worry, not worthy, it’s an endless list.

We are not born to be a shell-fish, we are born to be free!

Journaling questions for this chapter:

What’s the shell I want to free myself from?

How am I judging myself or others whilst in my shell?

Who can I become when living free from my shell?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:

9. Holiday

No, I am not in a grumpy mood! And yes, I think holiday is a totally misunderstood concept!

The weeks before we leave, we work our ass off. We’re convinced that after our holiday there will be ‘the big nothing’ or at least it’ll be too late for almost everything and we for sure need to close that last deal. It’s our last chance after all! We’re stressed out and sleep really bad. We have these stupid arguments with the people we love and are supposed to go on a holiday with. We need to go and see our mother since it’s not really acceptable, after months of forgetting about her, to leave without saying goodbye.

We race to the airport and hate all these other idiots who are also stressed out whilst going to the same airport. Or, when we’ve decided to drive it’s even more interesting. We get up at 3 AM to avoid the horrible traffic jams to find out we’re not the only ones who had that brilliant idea. So by the time we get to the French motorway, the kids are monsters and mom and dad are no longer talking to each other. The only reasonable voice in the car comes from the navigation system who tells us it’s only another 666 kilometres to our destination. This is hell! Back ‘talking’ we argue that we’ve been working hard all year and spending far too much money on this damned holiday. Yes, the perfect way to start these most special weeks of the year… Not!!

I’m thinking back of my grandfather. Born in 1900. Died at the blessed age of 82 when he stepped on his bike to go and buy milk. Instead he went to heaven. Reflecting on his life, how he created balance, I also started to wonder why he wasn’t stressed out because he never went on a holiday.

Here are my observations. He understood the word holiday and its origin really well. Holiday comes from the words Holy Day. A day set aside to rest, to spend time with the family, to do NOTHING! Time to worship and reflect. Yes, he was a religious man so he also went to church, but those who were not religious followed a similar pattern. They set aside time for the other important things in life. Everything other than work. In addition, they created some holiday in every day. Even though 12 hours working days were pretty normal, they had their little moments of rest in every single day. Blessed with not having TV nor smartphone, they had time to talk with each other whilst having diner, whilst drinking coffee in the evening. To read a book. To tell stories. To simply stare out of the window. To walk to the fence and observe the sheep. To pray or simply be silent.

A little holy time makes every day a holy day. Granting yourself that, when you then go for your holiday, you might be able to enjoy that even more…..

Journaling questions for this chapter:

How relaxed, or stressed do I start my holiday and what do I make up about that?

Where do I find a bit of holy day in every day?

How do I choose to start my next holiday?

PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.

And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below: