14. My Owner
Questions. In general we aim to answer them instantly. The faster the better. That’s also the expectation with which we ask questions. We want instant answers, solutions, clarity. Nothing wrong with it!! In most cases that’s exactly what I want myself. I have a question and I need an answer so I can move forward.
Yet sometimes, a question really deserves it to marinate in time. These aren’t the questions which are asked to give an answer to the person who asked. No, they are a gift for the one receiving the question. It’s meant to send the receiving person on a rich journey of exploration. Hours, days or even weeks of chewing on that question. Whilst there is no right or wrong answer, yet with time the answer usually evolves. Layer after layer opens up with time. It’s a bit philosophical, maybe even a spiritual journey of self-exploration. Finding an answer and questioning it right away. Because something inside you tells you there is more to be discovered. It’s like a good wine where time is an essential part of its richness.
Recently I was given such a question: “Who is your owner”. Just 4 simple words. And I ‘wrestled’ with those words for weeks. Who. Is. My. Owner.? Eventually two answers remained: I and God. Or was it God and I? Hmm, a new question came from the answer. I decided after a few days that the order didn’t matter. I came to that conclusion after asking a 3rd and a 4th question: “What does it actually mean if I am my owner?” And: “Or when God is my owner?”.
Being someone’s possession initially felt limiting, not free. Yet I see God as the Divine Power, Spirit and Love who trusts me and loves me unconditionally. So much that I’ve been given the free choice what to make of my life. Isn’t that the ultimate gift towards freedom, towards life? Feeling that Power, Spirit and Love makes that it doesn’t matter anymore whether it’s God or I who owns me. We’re in this together!
Then owner God asked: “Do you love him as much as I do? Do you dare to love yourself with Divine Spirit, Power and Love?”
These questions moved me deeply. Yet the answer was “no, not fully”, I didn’t feel judged by it. On the contrary, it was an invitation, an encouragement! If you want to please your owners, dare to love yourself. Dare to grow and bear fruit. Dare to explore what life has in store for you. Explore and live. Oh yes, that includes making mistakes. They are meant to teach you important lessons so embrace your mistakes as an essential part of your journey. It’s part of the plan.
Moved by all this, one question remained towards my owners: “How to live up to their expectations?”
God took the lead in answering: “Just do your best”. I agreed. Me cried with relief.
Journaling questions for this chapter:
What’s the deal I want to close with my owner(s)?
Do I dare to love myself with Divine Spirit, Power and Love? If so, how? If not, what’s getting in the way?
What choices do I want to make in order to judge myself less and simply embrace all I can do is my best?
© 2024. Alex Verlek, Coaching Works International.
PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.
And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:
13. JOY IS
All my Facebook posts start with these two words. And then it describes something that brings a smile to my face. Accompanied with a picture of that moment, that view, that feeling.
The posts were born in response to the countless posts with political or religious opinionated messages. Agreeing or disagreeing with a certain politician. Trying to convince the world about how God sees something, to be more religious, in a different way, or why you shouldn’t be religious. Another favourite topic; things that go wrong in the world where we of course need to share our opinion. In reaction to those opinions, on either of the above topics, more opinions. Pro, con, left, right…. It is as if I’m reading another newspaper or magazine. We’ve got enough of those!
Once I saw a cartoon which was also spot-on! A waiter in a restaurant asked the couple if there was something wrong with their food since they hadn’t taken a picture to post on Facebook yet. Aaagh, as if I care you’re eating Brussels sprouts, a steak, or spaghetti?!! Drinking a beer or a cocktail?!! Well, not the slightest bit….sorry.
What I do care about, is if you’re finding joy in life. Joy, that feeling that makes your heart sing. That makes your eyes water. That brings a smile to your face. That makes you cuddle up with that person next to you. That makes you slow down for a moment. That makes you want to sing or dance. Or both!
And when you witness other people enJOYing life, for just that brief moment, it often also brings a bit of joy to your heart. Try it, open up for it.
In response to my series of JOY IS posts, people sometimes wonder if life is just one big party for me. Always joy? That can’t be!?! And they are correct, as much as they are mistaken.
I do know my share of struggles. For instance, my body decided to have fibromyalgia, meaning that there is not a single day without pain. I lost a parent at a rather young age. I had a totally failed marriage with two kids, with all the troubles that come with that. I have three grandchildren and of two of them I don’t even know their names. I’ve been ill for more than two years which still carries its scars. And I can go on. Like you could create your long list of struggles and challenges. We’re the same. Life sometimes isn’t funny at all. If that’s where your focus is….
When the doctor told me about my fibromyalgia and that there is nothing I could do to make it better, I decided to prove her wrong. Instead of having the focus on my pain, I decided to focus on the gifts of life. The moments I’m touched by something beautiful, something fun, something special. It’s usually found in something that’s not costing any money, and very widely available. It’s to be found in the ‘simple’ things of life.
JOY IS for free, all you need to do is put your focus on it. And it’ll soften many, many pains and fears….
Journaling questions for this chapter:
What is an area in my life where I could do with more JOY?
What is JOY for me?
I choose to add more JOY to my day by….?
© 2024. Alex Verlek, Coaching Works International.
PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.
And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:
12. (I’m)Perfect
From time to time it shows up, that so called liberating reframe of the word imperfect. With a bit of ‘creativity’ the word ‘imperfect’ transforms into ‘I’m Perfect’.
Come on, who are we fooling here?!
I’ve got some shocking news, NOBODY is perfect. Nobody, meaning not a single person in the world. Even those who look into the mirror and come to the conclusion that ‘if perfect doesn’t exist, it doesn’t get much closer than the person I’m looking at now”, you’re simply underlining that nobody is perfect.
This whole ‘I’m Perfect’ nonsense to me simply proves we’re unable to embrace our human nature. We just find it too hard to embrace our shortcomings. Making mistakes, breaking rules or even the law, lying, forgetting, even screwing up completely, it’s all part of life!
I think being perfect would also be utterly boring! Never again wondering whether you will succeed or fail…. Always knowing in advance that whatever you do, whatever you try will work out without any shortcoming, not a single error at all. Every exam we take, we know beforehand we get the maximum score.
Without feeling the sadness of a failed exam or a failed attempt, we would never be able to experience the joy of succeeding. It would just be normal. Imagine that this exciting anticipation, this wondering will it work out or not, will be stolen away from you? This would also steel away the joy of succeeding, of passing that exam or whatever thing we tried out….. Remember that ‘joy-gasm’ the last time you heard that great news of succeeding? When you screamed from the top of your lungs a raw and loud ‘YES’!! Your heart-beat went up and you were dancing with joy. Well, being perfect will steal that away from you. It’ll simply make you an emotional flat liner. Emotionally dead.
Another thing. Let’s imagine for a moment you found the perfect partner. Your partner’s words, acts, moves, looks, silence, clothes, everything would be just perfect. I would just freaking hate myself since I’ll never be able to keep up, to feel equal to that annoyingly perfect partner!
OK, imagine that you too are a perfect partner. So never any arguments again, hmm, boring! And on top of that, it would steal away good old make-up sex, nah, that could never have been the idea behind a good and alive relationship.
There’s a third scary thought. Next to a totally boring, joy-less, predictable, emotionally flat life without make-up sex, we would lose so many chances to learn. We need to be imperfect to make mistakes whilst mistakes are a door-opener to learn and grow. To learn and be creative whilst trying out new ways. I believe in the old wisdom that where we fall, often the biggest treasures can be found. Or that acronym, FAIL: First Attempt In Learning. We need to fail, we need to be imperfect in order to learn.
So here is a small test you can do to decide if you really want to be perfect. I want a life without:
o Joy
o Make-up sex
o Learning
If you tick one or more of the boxes, I wish you good luck on your path to perfection. If you tick none of the boxes, just get over yourself and embrace your human state of imperfection.
Journaling questions for this chapter:
Where do I long to let go of my perfectionism?
How is my perfectionism an obstacle of freedom and joy?
How is my perfectionism an obstacle towards my relationships?
© 2024. Alex Verlek, Coaching Works International.
PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.
And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:
11. The Magic of Silence
When I think about why the universe changed the course of my life when coaching found me, one of the answers that keeps coming back is that I needed to learn a lot about myself. I also needed a lot more preparation to deal with what life still had in store for me.
Though coaching found me in my early forties, and I considered myself as a grown up man, it became very clear that I needed a big list of additional skills.
I must admit, I always thought I was pretty smart with words. Not often I didn’t know what to say and when I spoke, it was often smart and convincing. Even funny from time to time.
Now it feels that convincing was frequently actually overpowering, using smart words, sharp words, position or posture as tools to get it my way. I describe this as competitive communication where the aim is to win. Listening was actually analysing and measuring the others’ words to find out how I could use them for my personal gain. Listening was done through the filters of gaining and losing, right or wrong, enemy or friend.
Often the words never got much further than my brain, the place where logic lives.
Whilst being trained as a Co-Active coach, I learned about multiple ways to listen. A real breakthrough happened when I somehow realised why we have two ears and only one mouth. Guess why that would be…??? Maybe a simple conclusion could be that it might be a good idea to listen twice as much as that we speak. And since it feels I have some catching up to do here, I’m aiming for a different ratio. Even more listening and even less talking.
One place I discovered to be a very good environment to practice listening, is in nature. As often as possible I go into nature, preferably on my own, which makes it even easier to not speak…. With listening being the only option left, I started to listen to the silence. The sounds of silence. The gifts of silence. Have you ever been sitting in a forest very early in the morning or when it’s getting dark? That moment where the birds welcome the day or sing to say it goodbye and welcome the night. When you are so silent you can hear a roe deer approaching, a mouse between the leaves. Or even your own heartbeat.
This only becomes possible when you reach a state of silence, that you start listening with your soul. And a deep, intimate way of communication opens up when we start listening this way to other people. When we allow the words we hear, or even the silence we hear, to not only be filtered by our minds for meaning, but also by our whole body, our heart and our soul, as if we become like one big ear. That’s when we start hearing, no actually experiencing much more of the message the other human being is transmitting. And it’s then often our silence that forms the next question, not our words.
In silence we can learn to listen, not only to hear, not only to understand but to accept and connect.
Journaling questions for this chapter:
What is my heart longing for to hear?
What can I hear in the silence?
Where in my life do I want to practice more WAIT (Why Am I Talking)?
© 2024. Alex Verlek, Coaching Works International.
PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.
And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:
10. Recovering Calvinist
Sometimes things don’t go as planned. After some calls in the morning, I was supposed to see somebody in the afternoon. It had been a really long time since I saw this person and I was really looking forward to this reunion. Sometimes it just happens that you bump into someone where it feels like there is a click from the start. Then my ‘gypsy lifestyle’ continues, so I often never see that person again, or it takes years.
Providence brought us close to each other and we decided to benefit from the occasion and carve out time together. To reconnect, to catch up and to see what the future might hold. Next to catching up on a personal level, I was also curious what we could create together professionally. Whatever the outcome would be, I was looking forward to this moment! After finishing my calls I sent a message where to meet and decided to enjoy the sun whilst overlooking the Mediterranean. It was just a narrow street and the beach of Sitges between me and the sea. Then a message arrived from my friend; something with one of the kids came up, meeting cancelled. Just like that, all plans ruined.
Carved out a whole afternoon….. After all these years….. Several other thoughts crossed my mind. Disappointment and frustration took over. To the point I almost started feeling sorry for myself……
Man, wake up! Get your act together and don’t let this ruin your afternoon, your day even! Look in front of you. Sea, beach, people, aliveness, some free time!
A few minutes later I found myself walking on the beach, wow, can’t remember how long ago that was. Walking on the beach of Sitges, there could be worse ‘punishments’ for a cancelled appointment! On the beach I started looking for shells, like I did as a kid. I was surprised, I didn’t find any. Just tiny, tiny shells. I looked up and also found many people without ‘shells’. Both genders felt free to show bellies and breasts, no need to hide anything. Couples in all thinkable combinations kissing on the beach, because they are in love. Another doing yoga exercises on the end of a peer. A mother breastfeeding her baby. Bodies in all shapes and sizes were shown freely. A group of elderly ladies doing aqua aerobics. People were just doing what they felt like doing. Nobody felt they needed to hide anything, nobody needed a shell to hide in. Everybody could simply be themselves. Nobody took offence. Agreeing or not wasn’t relevant, just be your wonderful self.
I found a nice place close by the sea to reflect and enjoy the sun and the wind on my skin.
Then I realised what I needed to learn this afternoon. I thought I already freed myself from a lot of the limiting protestant, Calvinistic beliefs I was brought up with. The shell I needed to get out was the shell of ‘thou shalt’ or ‘thou shan’t’. Thou should always keep your promises. Thou shouldn’t kiss at certain places. And so on. I was shocked. Why did I even notice all the things listed above. Because they went through my old Calvinistic ‘thou should (not)-filter’.
Recovered Calvinist. I thought so. This shell seems to be stubborn. But I will break free! Now! And as often as needed. Guess I’m not the only ‘shell-fish’. We create many shells; fear, judgement, shame, worry, not worthy, it’s an endless list.
We are not born to be a shell-fish, we are born to be free!
Journaling questions for this chapter:
What’s the shell I want to free myself from?
How am I judging myself or others whilst in my shell?
Who can I become when living free from my shell?
© 2024. Alex Verlek, Coaching Works International.
PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.
And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:
9. Holiday
No, I am not in a grumpy mood! And yes, I think holiday is a totally misunderstood concept!
The weeks before we leave, we work our ass off. We’re convinced that after our holiday there will be ‘the big nothing’ or at least it’ll be too late for almost everything and we for sure need to close that last deal. It’s our last chance after all! We’re stressed out and sleep really bad. We have these stupid arguments with the people we love and are supposed to go on a holiday with. We need to go and see our mother since it’s not really acceptable, after months of forgetting about her, to leave without saying goodbye.
We race to the airport and hate all these other idiots who are also stressed out whilst going to the same airport. Or, when we’ve decided to drive it’s even more interesting. We get up at 3 AM to avoid the horrible traffic jams to find out we’re not the only ones who had that brilliant idea. So by the time we get to the French motorway, the kids are monsters and mom and dad are no longer talking to each other. The only reasonable voice in the car comes from the navigation system who tells us it’s only another 666 kilometres to our destination. This is hell! Back ‘talking’ we argue that we’ve been working hard all year and spending far too much money on this damned holiday. Yes, the perfect way to start these most special weeks of the year… Not!!
I’m thinking back of my grandfather. Born in 1900. Died at the blessed age of 82 when he stepped on his bike to go and buy milk. Instead he went to heaven. Reflecting on his life, how he created balance, I also started to wonder why he wasn’t stressed out because he never went on a holiday.
Here are my observations. He understood the word holiday and its origin really well. Holiday comes from the words Holy Day. A day set aside to rest, to spend time with the family, to do NOTHING! Time to worship and reflect. Yes, he was a religious man so he also went to church, but those who were not religious followed a similar pattern. They set aside time for the other important things in life. Everything other than work. In addition, they created some holiday in every day. Even though 12 hours working days were pretty normal, they had their little moments of rest in every single day. Blessed with not having TV nor smartphone, they had time to talk with each other whilst having diner, whilst drinking coffee in the evening. To read a book. To tell stories. To simply stare out of the window. To walk to the fence and observe the sheep. To pray or simply be silent.
A little holy time makes every day a holy day. Granting yourself that, when you then go for your holiday, you might be able to enjoy that even more…..
Journaling questions for this chapter:
How relaxed, or stressed do I start my holiday and what do I make up about that?
Where do I find a bit of holy day in every day?
How do I choose to start my next holiday?
© 2024. Alex Verlek, Coaching Works International.
PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.
And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:
8. The Myth of the Comfort Zone
We all know it, right? That place where it feels light and safe, easy and calm. That special space where we can just hang out. Just chill. Nothing is happening there. It’s that place where we don’t feel challenged. Not by change, not by questions, not by others. Not even by ourselves. It’s that funny, little place where we can just be. It’s so nice and comfi that we could easily fall asleep here.
And actually, that’s exactly what’s happening there! We think we are awake, alive even, yet in reality we’re asleep. Even with our eyes wide open. We’re asleep and we’re being fooled. We’re even in serious danger. Because this comfort-zone has walls and they are moving. Slowly yet constantly. We don’t notice it and if we notice anything, it’s a false sense of safety. For a long time it felt this place was warming up, bit by bit and we appreciated the warmth. It seems to change from an open place with an unpleasant draft, to a place where the temperature slowly rises to a nice, comfortable kind of warmth.
In the meantime, in reality, with the walls of this place slowly closing in on us, the pressure builds up. It’s like a steam-cooker. More and more air but in less and less space. Yet, there is no pressure valve. Initially we notice that the draft disappears and that the temperature slowly goes up. We’re clueless why, but hey, it’s comfy so why bother? It must be right! And then there is that day where we feel like stretching, maybe even jump around a bit, to then discover that your moving space is limited. Weird, we don’t get why. It’s probably just one of these off days. We simply skip moving or even lay down again. See, that weird feeling fades away. All is good again.
In the meantime the walls, even the ceiling and the floor keep creeping towards the middle. Invisible yet not unnoticed. Slowly we notice our breathing gets heavier. Strange. Let’s go and see a doctor. Ask for some pills. This tension that’s building up can’t be healthy. Probably too much stress, Pills, maybe alcohol or even drugs will release the tension. Or a good sick leave. We might have a burn-out.
In a way, that’s right! You are burning out of life! Bit by bit you allow your energy streams to glide into a coma… Why?!? Because you’re in the zone of self-limitation! That lethally dangerous zone where you’re heading towards an implosion of self. Your system is screaming to break free from limiting beliefs, restrictions imposed upon self. The comfort zone is just one big fraud! Driven by self-sabotage and false beliefs.
And now you’re at choice. Are you going to break down these walls of the zone of self-limitation or will you accept this slowly lethal prison. Are you going to listen to your heart, your body, your soul, all of them crying to break free? Are you going to step into freedom and an unlimited space to move and create? Or not?
Alive? Or dead whilst still breathing.
Your call.
Your life.
Journaling questions for this chapter:
Where is my system screaming to break free from limiting beliefs, restrictions imposed upon myself?
How does an unlimited space where I can move and create freely look like?
What is actually the full range of my authentic self?
© 2024. Alex Verlek, Coaching Works International.
PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.
And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:
7. Perfectionizm
The saboteurs were not done yet! They felt they were losing the battle around this book being edited or not. They just hate losing! When they lose, change of some form is happening which will make them feel as if they’re sleeping on an ant hill. No, that’s not nice…!
So they had to think of something else and tried several options. Like “who do you think you are that anyone would be inspired by your words”? Sorry guys, after I got over myself when I started leading courses, that one doesn’t land anymore.
Next attempt: “These thoughts are rather personal, do you really want the whole world to see all that”? Hi hi, the whole world you say? If my book would be that successful, I’d be rich in one go! Great! And besides that, I’m far too eccentric to be bothered by that. Then they played their ultimate card: “Alex, English is not your mother tongue. You will make silly mistakes and printed words should be at least correctly written”.
You freaking bastards! Playing the card of perfectionism totally sucks!! I’m using such strong words because I know there is truth in what they say. Mistakes will be made! Not even the best spelling check software will be able to avoid that. Maybe eventually the spelling will be correct, but some things will not always be worded in the best possible way. Hmm, maybe not an editor, but at least a corrector then?
It’s very liberating to embrace not to be perfect. And at the same time I know that in my work I have rather high standards for myself. Of course it’s OK to strive for a really good result, and I know I can overdo that.
It’s the paralysing impact of perfectionism my saboteurs were after.
Perfectionism is a guaranteed path to self-imprisonment. It is the thief of freedom. It’s hijacking satisfaction. It’s the sniper that kills ideas, the tsunami that ruins creativity.
As a facilitator of international courses, I so often tell my students it’s not a language course, as long as we come from a mutual desire to communicate, we’ll be fine! When we do our best, it’ll be good enough. And our best, that’s all we can do.
When we aim for more than our best, we make life impossible. No, that’s not an invitation to go for second best. Then we underperform and won’t respect our talents.
In the battle against perfectionism, I hold on to a quote on a poster we have in our house; “Strive for excellence, not for perfectionism”. Of course, give it your best shot, aim high! Embrace your full potential and at the same time relax into it. Don’t torture yourself expecting the impossible which means you’re constantly disqualifying yourself. Always saying “what I did wasn’t perfect, not good enough” will soon evolve into “I’m not good enough”. And that is an absolute lie!
After giving it all you’ve got, embrace the result as your best and release it into the world. Declare it ready. After giving it your utmost and declaring it ‘good enough’ implies declaring yourself good enough.
And with that you free yourself from perfectionizm.
Journaling questions for this chapter:
How am I allowing my perfectonizm to steal away my freedom?
What is the illusion I’m making up how this is serving me?
What choices must I make to break free from my Saboteurs?
© 2024. Alex Verlek, Coaching Works International.
PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.
And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:
6. The Unedited Version
Thank you for reading this far! It could be that you got inspired by what you’ve been reading and you’re hoping for more thought provoking stuff. Simply keep reading with this mindset, I’m sure you will indeed find more of that.
It could be quite the opposite, where you find yourself less inspired or even bored. Simply keep reading with that mindset and I’m sure, I guarantee you, you’ll find more of that stuff!
When you’re in the mood for a little experiment, you could try reading with the opposite mind-set. Fair chance that you will start seeing things from the other perspective. Since, at the end of the day, perspective is a powerful choice, don’t be surprised when you actually start experiencing different emotions around what you read, even exactly in the way you chose to look at it.
Some spiritual teachers describe the fact we’re able to choose how we see and experience whatever happens in life, as the gift of ultimate freedom. Of course, this I don’t want to take away from you…
I believe that in essence I am not even able to do so, nor could anyone else. You might be influenced by someone else, at the end of the day it still is your choice.
This is actually the whole point of this book; to make you aware of certain topics, that you start reflecting on it and that you consciously choose how to see things. Whatever I write, how I write it, it doesn’t really matter that much. My main longing for you is that you find your own inspiring way to see things. So when you’re not inspired by what you read, start exploring how you would like to be inspired around that topic. If you’re not inspired by how things are being worded, please challenge your thoughts how you would have worded it.
Also when you are inspired by what you read, explore more deeply what’s been evoked in you that makes you feel inspired. That way you’ll deepen your learning and make it more consciously yours. Do not simply accept or even embrace it at first sight! No! Take what you read and after reflecting on it, make these words your own authentic words, thoughts and feelings.
That’s why this book has the subtitle ‘The Unedited Version’. These are my authentic words, my current perspective. It was a conscious choice to not ask an editor to ‘polish’ my words. It would simply take away from the authenticity of it. A gift of having this book edited, would be that it would evoke more thinking in me and new insights. Then I could rewrite my words to update them. Before publishing, the editor would look at it again and since the editor, in the meantime also processed the words and own thoughts and feelings around it, would also have new insights again. See what could happen? We would be able to keep rewriting and editing, create a never ending loop and never get to the point of publishing.
This would be the ultimate victory for my saboteurs – my inner critics who don’t want me to step into new things – who’d love to say it could always be better. In itself that’s correct. Their victory would be that you would never be reading this book, that your thoughts would never be evoked by it. Hence, no change, the ultimate goal of saboteurs.
So here you are, reading the unedited version, a victory over my saboteurs!
And now, please create your own unedited authentic version of the words you’re reading.
Journaling questions for this chapter:
Where am I allowing others or circumstances to write the story of my life?
How does the unedited version of my life story look like?
For that matter, what do I want to embrace and what to let go of?
© 2024. Alex Verlek, Coaching Works International.
PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.
And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below: