3. Weakness or Courage?
As the father of a recovering addict, I had the privilege to witness some NAmeetings. NA stands for Narcotic Anonymous, a gathering of people who’re seeking each other’s support whilst fighting a disease called addiction. Addiction, often perceived as a sign of weakness.
Each time I join such a meeting, I’m in awe. In awe with the courage. In awe with the simplicity. In awe with the power. In awe with the community. In awe with the fellowship.
Imagine, there is a part in your life that you’re not happy with. Yes, pause for a moment and think about where you’re doing something too much or too little. You’re painfully aware it’s not serving you yet it seems to control you. The worst thing you can imagine happening is this being taken away from you and that the world around you would know about your secrets. Would know about what you have done to fulfil this longing. Something that is so private, you don’t even dare to be honest about it to your loved ones. Not to anyone, not even yourself. You live a lie. A lie leading to destruction. And, often for years, you’ve been denying this lie and you became a master in covering it up.
And here you are. In a group of people and all they want to hear is the naked truth. However ugly it is, that’s just as it is. Your story will land in a bed of understanding, respect and love. In a space where the distinction is made between ‘sin and sinner’. We hate the addiction, we love the addict. Because the addict is simply a human being, like you and me, longing for love and acceptance. Judgment is the last thing we’re looking for.
And one of the ways these vulnerable yet so powerful men and women are supporting each other is by witnessing each other’s stories. There is a unique kind of trust, allowing all to share whatever is on their heart. Whether it is a success or a struggle.
Successes are being celebrated, struggles are being acknowledged. Not the struggle itself, no, the human being who’s courageous enough to simply share his or her struggle.
In one hour you hear many people sharing their stories. Each time starting with sharing their first name, let’s say John, followed by “I’m an addict”. That’s being embraced by a collective ‘hi John’. John is being seen, John is being heard. John gets a safe and courageous space to share what’s on his heart. And ‘all’ they do is witness John’s story. Nobody is trying to fix John nor comfort him. John is allowed to be, in his glory or in his struggle. Because John matters. Because noone puts himself or herself above John. Because they’re fellows. In many cases addicts go on a daily basis to these meetings. To share. To be in this safe and courageous space. Let’s assume you’re not an addict in any shape or form. But since you’re human, you have your shortcomings. And as spiritual teachers preach, a shortcoming is like any other shortcoming and that makes us all equal. How would it be to daily openly confess your shortcomings and struggles and put all your cards on the table. To embrace your imperfection and no longer keep up appearances?
Is that weakness or is that courage?
(For those who seek support, visit www.aa.org or www.na.org)
Journaling questions for this chapter:
What is a behavioural pattern where I must make a courageous choice to break the spell?
What is the price I am paying by not doing so?
What will become possible if I choose to break the spell?
© 2024. Alex Verlek, Coaching Works International.
PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.
And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:
2. Awareness Builder
So, the book has been born. It’s there. The question is why another book? What’s the purpose of this book, of transforming some thoughts into words.
To me this book is a way, just one of them, to express the purpose I see for myself in life.
Some coaches, yes, I’m one of them, like to talk about life purpose. Many spiritual teachers also talk about the reason for our existence. So it’s probably worthwhile to give it some thought…
When exploring this with my clients, I talk about footprint, impact and legacy. Here is some good news, you don’t need to die to leave a legacy!
So let’s be light hearted about it and take a closer look.
Impact; there is no such thing as having no impact. Even before we were born we had impact. During our lives, everything we do, or not do, speaking or silent, when we are present or absent, it all has an impact. If we promote this to a fact, we’d rather be conscious about the impact we have.
Footprint. In a way in line with impact. Yet it’s different. Where impact is more about how we are, footprint is the mark we leave behind.
Experienced trail hunters can not only tell by the footprint they find what kind of animal passed by, they can also tell a lot about when it was and how the animal was. Was it relaxed, in a hurry or even wounded. They can read a complete story in the footprint they see. Well, our footprints tell our story. And it is up to us what the story is that we write….
Legacy is what you leave behind for others to start creating from. Your output is their input.
My longing for you is that at the end of the journey, you’ve written not only the complete story, but also the story you really like it to be.
A story that you love to read to younger generations. A story that would fill your heart with joy when you read it.
With this book I want to leave you with more questions than answers. My longing is that my reflections get you wondering what that specific theme means to you. That you start looking for your answers. That you become more aware.
Awareness comes with a certain responsibility though. It forces you to choose. Will you choose to act in line with how you want your story to be, or not?
It’s simple, act in line with it and you’ll be very pleased with the book of life you’re writing. And the opposite is also true I’m afraid.
This is where I find my purpose, the footprint I want to leave behind. I see myself as an ‘awareness builder who creates an army of positive change’. I hope this book inspires you to make some positive changes through powerful choices.
So here again some reading suggestions:
Read – Reflect – Become Aware – Choose – Act – Be Accountable.
Choose consciously so you make your life happen instead of life is just happening to you.
Journaling questions for this chapter:
Where in my life am I longing for some change?
What is the obstacle between my choices and my actions?
How can holding myself accountable serve me?
© 2024. Alex Verlek, Coaching Works International.
PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.
And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:
1. Discipline
The book you’re reading now, didn’t write itself.
At some point in time, I got the idea to write 52 short reflections of 500 words each. I’m not the kind of guy that can sit very long, not to read, nor to write. Yet I love it to capture my thoughts, feelings and experiences into words, so this felt like a nice compromise. So here you go, 52 times 500 words, the book is born.
I would build a statue for the person who invents an app that could capture all my ideas and thoughts in words. I’ve got like a billion ideas every day and I can make up a whole story just from one thing I see, one word, one insight. Life would be so much easier with such an app! But hey, here I find myself capturing the thoughts that I’m having right now on my cell phone. Just to avoid losing them.
I am on a hike with my dog Bibi through the vineyards and forests surrounding our house. Whilst enjoying the wind and the sun on my skin, the smells of fresh green after a mild shower in the night. The sounds of the birds, of my footsteps. I realise I even enjoyed the sound of my wife snoring during the night (the poor thing has a huge cold!).
Then I caught myself! It’s happening again! “You’re in one of these funny moods where you get inspired by kind of everything. Yet by the time you get home, other things grab your attention and they get priority over sitting behind your desk and write down these words. Yes mister, if you want to make this book happen, to promote it from just one of your ideas to something tangible, you need to discipline yourself and start writing.”
Déjà vu!!! Discipline; during one of my previous funny reflective moods, I’ve been chewing on that word. What does it actually mean? And why is this one of the few words with three times the letter “I” in it? And it was only when I started to write the word differently that my eyes opened…..dIscIplIne.
That letter “I” points at me. Discipline is something you cannot delegate. It is 100% up to you! I mean, ME. So often the best ideas are wasted and goals not met due to a lack of discipline. What a waste of opportunity.
It took me a long time to finally understand that punishment, not even selfpunishment, won’t stimulate us to reach our goals. Motivation can’t come from a negative or external source. It needs to come from within, from within ourselves. True motivation will be born when we connect what’s really important to us with the footprint we want to create in life. With our core and purpose. That’s where ‘have to’ changes into ‘want to’. That’s when we’re starting to make promises to ourselves and find the energy to keep going. When we promote that promise into a commitment to self, it is as if we sign this with a signature of our heart. Every heartbeat will bring us closer to our goal.
Discipline, written as dIscIplIne, is sticking to the commitment to self.
Journaling questions for this chapter:
What does commitment to myself mean for me?
Where do I try to delegate my discipline?
What choices do I want to make around discipline?
© 2024. Alex Verlek, Coaching Works International.
PS. To order the Awareness Builder 101 e-book or audio book, click here.
And to listen to the audio version of this chapter, click below:
There was a history teacher, an older woman who had been teaching kids for decades. One day she witnessed a conflict between students, two 13-year-old boys, and asked the two to come and see her after class. She asked what was going on and listened to their stories. One had beaten up the other because a few days before, that boy had said something very mean about his family. To defend himself, the other boy shared he did this because the first one had done exactly the same thing a week before.
This went on and on; the two boys could list a spiral of events where they, and their brothers, were involved in fights and blaming each other. In an ultimate attempt to justify his behaviour, one claimed his father told him the father of the other boy already did the same thing and that he was totally OK with his son getting back at the other boy. The only things that they had in common were that they both hated history class and that they wanted to join the army as soon as they were old enough.
After simply listening to the stories of these boys, the teacher asked if she could share her observation. The boys were surprised, because they expected to get some form of punishment, and agreed.
‘Boys, I agree with you, I hate history class as well. I have been teaching the same thing for decades. I am repeating the same story, over and over. A big part of history is about the wars people fought and at the end the result is always the same. There is lots of destruction, suffering, bloodshed, grief, and pain. Not only amongst the soldiers but also, and oftentimes even more, amongst the innocent ones. If it wasn’t so painful to see all that suffering, it would be boring because history keeps repeating itself. And you two, you are heading towards the same thing.’
She looked the boys in the eyes and spoke very directly:
‘Boys, you two are fighting the wrong fight. You think the other is your enemy. Your brothers and fathers have been doing the same thing and your sons are going to do it again. If you indeed hate history classes so much, I encourage you to start writing a different story. You are fighting the wrong fight, because you don’t understand who the enemy is. You think it is the other boy, yet it is something in you. You are your own biggest enemy because you treasure the hate in your heart. You are cowards because you don’t dare to look at the evil in your own heart and by hating the other, you keep feeding that monster. True victory will only come when you have the courage to fight the hate inside yourself, your unwillingness to forgive. You think that by not forgiving the other and fighting him, you will be able to win the battle. Well, you might win one battle, but never the war. As I said, because you are fighting the wrong war and with the wrong weapons.
‘If you want history to stop repeating itself, you need to create a different kind of army. One that fights with different weapons. You need to be courageous enough to break the ongoing spiral of violence, and to do this, you have to beat the monster inside yourself. Stop feeding it with your hate and desire for revenge. This monster is always hungry and wants more and more. It will keep growing and creating more pain inside your heart. You need to stop feeding the monster of hate. If there’s one creature in the world that must starve, let it be that evil monster. This is the only way you will find peace. Peace is not just the absence of war. Peace is the ability to love the other as much as you love yourself.
‘For that, you need to put down the weapons you know so well and keep improving. Learn how to listen to each other. Learn to listen with the desire to connect from heart to heart. Ask questions, bring out the best in the other. Stop telling your children the wrongdoings of your neighbour and start telling them how wonderful they are. Teach them a new way of thinking and how to live together. Your fathers taught you evil; I challenge you to turn evil around, to spell it backwards so that it will
read as ‘live’.
‘Dare to look into the mirror of your own evil and you will live. In peace.’
© 2023. Alex Verlek, Coaching Works International.
PS. If you want to read my prayer Apologies to God, dedicated to the horrific situation in Israel/Palestina, click here.
And to listen to the audio version of this story, click below:
God, we owe you an apology.
We call upon your name to justify killing each other.
Your lesson was to love each other.
We call upon your name to justify raping women and murdering babies.
Your lesson was to love each other.
We call upon your name to justify taking each other’s land and homes.
Your lesson was to love each other.
We may call you God, Allah or Yahweh.
Yet you are One.
We may call ourselves Christian, Jew, Muslim or gentile.
Yet we are one.
One, teach us to be one again.
Sisters and brothers, neighbours.
One, teach us to live in peace again.
As sisters and brothers, neighbours.
To feed the hungry.
To give shelter to the homeless.
To take care of the sick.
To help the poor.
To teach the children how to play together, to love and live in peace.
One, forgive us for not following your lessons of love and humanity; one more time.
To ban evil and to restore peace.
By Alex Verlek ©
PS. You can listen to my prayer here:
The other day I was interviewed by my colleague and dear friend Anastasia Mizitova.
She also made the fourth translation of my book happen, for which I am very grateful!
As you know a dream I have for the book is to get it translated into 10 different languages. Which is happening!
It is already available in English, German, Chinese and Russian and by this end of the month in Dutch.
Curious to hear our conversation around the book and Golden Rules for Coaching? Just click Play 😉
P.S. Feel free to leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
P.P. S. Curious about book? Click here for info & reviews: https://alexverlek.nl/golden-rules-for-coaching/
Today I share my interview for Beyond One Lens project with you.
Beyond One Lens’ mission is to introduce people to the power of the coaching conversation and help them to discover how powerful and resourceful they are.
Hosted by Zarrina Alieva. Co-produced by Zarrina Alieva and Jacky Parkhouse.
Links to the interview:
An awesome sketch of my interview below:
Today I’ve decided to read you one of the chapters from my new book “Golden Rules for Coaching”. The chapter that I want to read for you is the last chapter in the book with the title”Coaching is Diversity & Inclusion”.
Interested?
Watch below:
And if you are ready to join a Summer Book Club Party with me & inspiring colleagues from all over the world, please join a series of 5 inspiring ZOOM summerclasses where we will together explore the lessons of my new book “Golden Rules for Coaching ”.
The main goal is to deepen your coaching skills whilst having great Summer Book club parties with inspiring colleagues from all over the world.
– 5 classes x 90 min each.
– All are different contentwise.
– 7,5 CCEU’s.
– Join from anywhere.
– > REGISTRATION CLOSES -02.07.22 < –
A weekend in Paris. The city of light and love. A city that everybody in the world knows and is like a magnet to millions.
Life is being celebrated wherever you look. Art, food, champagne, colours, lights, play, parcs, music, unique buildings. A city so diverse, where they stand for ‘Liberté, Égalité and Fraternité’. We want to be free. We are equal. We’re all brothers and sisters.
Lovers kiss on a bridge crossing the Seine. In the parcs. Under the Eiffel tower. Ah well, everywhere!
Paris is history and culture. A lifetime would be too short to explore it all.
Whilst walking around the Notre-Dame, impressed by the restauration works going on after an inferno destroyed huge parts of this world famous cathedral, my eyes were caught by what looked like a small parc, next to the river.
In this parc, a monument was ‘hidden’.
A monument to remember the hundreds of thousands who were deported during the second world war. Deported on trains for a journey hell, the concentration camps. Since one race needed to be ‘purified’, another had to be destroyed…
I know the pictures of Auswitz, Buchenwald, Triblinka and many others, where over 2.7 million people were killed. Murdered, mainly in gas chambers, by extreme hard labour, famine, illness or cold. Or from a broken heart.
I’ve seen these pictures before, also whilst visiting the memorial places like Yad Vashem. I always feel this deep in my bones and my heart cries. So much suffering, so much pain. Unbelievable what people can do to each other. It’s beyond words. Though not easy, we need to keep looking at these pictures, since we should never forget.
Since we lack words, these memorial places all have images or pieces of art, statues to express our feelings.
Yet they always also hold a message. The message, in essence, is always to remember what happened, in order to remind us this should never happen again!
In this memorial place next to the Notre-Dame, there was a long tunnel. On the walls of the tunnel small tokens to honour and remember the ones who lost there lives.
The end of the tunnel was mostly dark, yet also had a clear light.
Whilst taking this all in, with tears in my eyes, I know that we have to be that light. We need to be the hope, we need to be the end of the tunnel.
Yes, the end of the tunnel! When will we learn that when we truly are the light at the end of the tunnel, there won’t be tunnels of suffering anymore!
I’m so done with us still creating these kind of tunnels! Another war in Europe where again one nation tries to ‘purify’ another, using deadly force as an excuse to force its will on other people! We can already predict the countless memorials that need to be build to remember, to mourn. At the same time multiple wars are going on elsewhere in the world, and they hardly make the news anymore. Mass shootings, killing innocent people in schools or religious buildings. Where some still justify the flash light coming out of the gun barrel that just sent a bullet to kill a child, instead of being a light of hope…
We need to be a light of hope at the end of the tunnel of pointless suffering.
We need to be the light of love.
We need to be the light that’s going to make the difference.
We need to be the light we want to see in the world.
We. You. Me. Light.
© Alex Verlek, May 2022