So, the first blog post of 2020, and, of course, all my best wishes to you and your loved ones. May this year be the year of your dreams coming true. Last Sunday I made one of  my dreams coming true and climbed the 2000 meters high mountain near my house. On Sunday I decided to climb that mountain and I must admit that on the way I thought of quitting several times. 

 

I thought: “You are not trained enough. You are not prepared enough, It’s too much. It’s too silly. Why don’t you stop here, enjoy the view and go back?”.

 

And …I didn’t.

 

It have to admit it took a lot of effort, but I got up there. And the moment I got up there was a moment of victory. It was a victory over myself as I am not competing with anyone else. And I was welcomed by a couple of beautiful ibex. It was such a gift to see them. And it was just a beautiful metaphor for if you commit to do something and you continue. You just continue at your own pace, one step at time – you will get there. Whatever “there” means to you.

 

Watch my video from the mountains below:

 

 

So this is the metaphor for this year:

 

• What are the mountains YOU want to climb this year?
• How kind will you be to yourself while climbing YOUR mountains?

 

Please, share your thoughts in the comments below.

{HAPPY NEW YEAR}  As we leave 2019 behind us, I wish you and your loved ones all the best in the new decade to come. And I’m curious what does it take for you to make this decade really count? Watch the last video of 2019 below and share your intentions for 2020 with me.

 

P.S. Mine are clear: self care and (self) compassion. What are yours?

 

Towards the end of the year, many of us start looking at the next. What do we want that new year to bring? We have great intentions about quitting smoking or other unhealthy habits. We start buying new sports gear and are convinced that 10k run, if not marathon, will happen in the new year. To support that process, and to get rid of these additional kilos, we accept that great offer the gym has. Under the Christmas tree we might even promise ourselves to be more generous and loving. To forgive that person who harmed us and make up with the person whom we’ve harmed. Make that friendship work again. Stop looking at other ‘interesting’ people and recommit to our relationship. Start that master, go for that promotion. Meditate frequently. Go to yoga class. Stop spending so much on useless stuff and be more respectful to the environment. All that good stuff!

Recognize it? How much of this is also on your list this year?

And… how much is this list different from last year or the year before?
For so many of us Einstein’s definition of insanity is applicable! We expect different results without changing our habits. Yep, pretty insane!

There is good news! Because ‘in the midst of difficulty lies opportunity’ and you probably even know that ‘no problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it’ so you are willing to learn and change your shit.

Since you don’t care so much about ‘becoming a (wo)man of success, but rather become a (wo)man of value’, let’s ‘look for what is and not for what you think should be’.

Since it is a very ‘important thing to not stop questioning – curiosity has its own reason for existing’ after all – let’s look at the lessons last year gave us so generously! You’ve tried your very best and still you find yourself at more or less the same place as the year before. So, use that ‘special talent of yours: be passionately curious’! Before looking ahead, look back at what history has to teach you. From those lessons, imagine how you could do things differently. The trick is to not copy paste the knowledge you’ve harvested from those lessons. ‘Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world’! To not make the same mistakes as last year(s) you have to rethink and re-invent yourself, your life. Maybe even ‘believe in intuitions and inspirations’! Because sometimes you don’t know why but you say to yourself ‘I don’t know that I am right but I simply feel that I am right’. So just follow your gut feeling!

It might also help to ‘look deep into nature to understand everything better’. Since ‘all religions, arts and sciences are branches of the same tree’. From there you might find different ways to look at this year’s resolutions and be in awe with mysterious results! After all, ‘the most beautiful experience we can have is a the mysterious’ one.
Sometimes life might get in the way and you feel stuck. You might consider giving up. Don’t! Remember ‘life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving’!

Well, maybe at the end of the day all these smart ass quotes aren’t going to make any difference to you. All that matters is that you, in all honesty ‘see with your own eyes and feel with your own heart’.
You don’t need to be an Einstein to be honest to yourself and understand if your behaviour will lead to the same results as last years or if it will finally be different this time. Because Einstein really had a point when he said that ‘insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results’.

Just saying.

©Alex Verlek, December 2019.

At some point in time people chose a moment in the year to remember and celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. This became the most known celebration based on a Christian tradition. By now widely spread over the world and turned into a festive moment, regardless you consider yourself Christian or not. 

 

Some are still consciously celebrating it for its original intention, for others it’s mainly a moment to take a break at the end of the year and get together with family. Often with special dinners, presents and dressing up for the occasion. 

 

Though I’m born and raised in the Christian culture, and lots of that still means a lot to me, I’ve lost most of my enthusiasm around the whole thing. Yes, thing.

Once it was a warm and loving experience for me. The only present I got, was a book and some candy at Sunday school. I was looking forward to it for weeks and loved it for weeks after.

The biggest gift was the family dinner where the six of us were really happy with food which was only slightly different, slightly more luxurious from a regular Sunday dinner. It was special because we decided it was special. Even whilst writing these words, happy tears come to my eyes. I can still feel the special vibe…

Mom and dad, thank you; you clearly did something special there…

 

I’ve lost that vibe and even started to dislike this time of the year. The main thing I see is over the top commercial event it became. Where the rich 10% is overloading themselves with more of what we actually don’t really need. Presents get unpacked, yet the gift stays often unused or very quickly forgotten about. At the same time ignoring those who don’t even have a roof over their head or food on the table. Let’s forget presents…

 

If that’s what became of a Christian tradition, I don’t want to be a Christian…

Ok, I’ll stop being the embodiment of both Statler and Waldorf at the same time, these grumpy old men from the Muppet show!

 

Today I was listening again to one of my favourite books, ‘The book of Joy’ by bishop Desmond Tutu and his holiness the Dalai Lama. These representatives of two of the world’s major religions inspire me so much! They breath wisdom and peace. They teach love and preach forgiveness and gratitude. Through their whole life,  they’ve walked the talk. 

 

Looking at them, yes, I do want to be a Christian! And a Buddhist!

 

Witnessing my Muslim friends, I’m in awe with how they practice generosity and hospitality. How they open their house and heart for whomever they meet on their path. Because, that’s who they see as their brothers and sisters. Seeing that, yes, I do want to be a Muslim!

 

I have some very dear Jewish friends. Witnessing their rich traditions and how they choose to create peace and harmony, I can only have the deepest respect for them! Looking at that, yes, I do want to be a Jew!

 

Some of my friends don’t worship any God at all. Witnessing how they serve humanity and do whatever they can to make this world a bit of a better place, fills me with respect and hope. Looking at that, yes, I do want to be a humanist!

 

Oh yes, like Statler & Waldorf, we can  choose to focus on where all these groups screw up. That’s easy and, like for me it did with Christmas, it can take away all its beauty. If that’s where we choose to look, guaranteed that’s what we’ll see!

 

For this Christmas I’m going to give myself a gift. I’m going to look at how I can be a Christian. A Jew. A Muslim. A Buddhist. As well as a humanist. 

 

From there how I can bring light to the world. 

 

How I can see the light in you, how I can love you. 

 

And if you want to give me a gift this Christmas, show your light and, when I forget, just remind me to let mine shine. Brightly. 

©Alex Verlek 2019

Part of my work is to train new coaches. I love doing that!

 

It’s totally in line with my purpose because I want to grow this army of positive change. 

 

With 7.6 billion people in the world, we need a multitude of coaches. Maybe nobody needs a coach, yet I firmly believe everybody could do with one. People want to get as much as possible out of their lives and a coach can really be of great support there. 

 

Coaches are in the business of making dreams come true. Coaches are in the business of figuring out what you really, like no kidding, really want. Coaches are in the business of holding you bigger than you dare to hold yourself as well as calling out your bullshit when you play small. They articulate who they see you be at your core, and hold up an honest mirror for you when you shy away from your magnificence.  

 

A good coach rather gets fired for playing the game too big, than for playing it too safe. 

 

A good coach plays with the balance between creating a really safe place for their clients and at the same time making it courageous to the point of scary. A strong coach is always willing to pick up the fight with their client’s saboteurs and shining a light on their limiting beliefs. 

 

Coaching is about being convinced that the client holds all the answers and that they don’t need fixing. 

 

In spite of all wonderful intentions, this is where beginning coaches, and frequently also the more experienced ones, struggle a bit. 

 

They’re all committed to the long list above and want nothing less for their clients. They’re totally willing to go the extra mile to serve their clients. Yet, in their eagerness to do it all as good as possible, they start working…

 

Time and time again I tell my students that working is NOT a coaching skill!

 

When coaches start working, in essence they lose faith in their clients. Instead we start thinking about the perfect way to coach. Or about the solution. Every second we think, we lose a bit of connection with our clients. We start missing the verbal and non-verbal cues they give. We don’t hear that shift in tone of voice which holds valuable information. We don’t see that gesture, or twinkle or tear in their eyes so we can ask them what’s shifting. 

 

When we work to DO coaching, we think about what happened a moment ago, or what we expect to happen in a while. So we’re no longer playing with what happens right here, right now and miss the gift of the presence. 

 

At the same time our questions are less curious since we want to hear a certain answer. We expect or even want our clients to think and choose in a certain direction. 

 

All that work almost guarantees the client doesn’t experience that internal shift, that aha-moment that coaches like to call transformation. 

 

And with that, we kill the essence of coaching…

 

Luckily there is an antidote! My students look at me as if I’m joking when I say one of the biggest virtues for a coach is to be lazy!

 

And I’m serious; working is not a coaching skill and laziness should be our basic attitude. 

 

When the coach is lazy, they can’t think. They won’t work. They let all of that to the client. All the coach needs to be is present. So we pick up the signals our client give. So we just respond to and play with what’s happening now.
All we create is an environment where we trust the client will explore new terrain. We call that terrain ‘life’. Our client’s life. For them to explore and make conscious, self-empowering choices. 

 

Be lazy so that coaching works!

 

(©Alex Verlek 2019) 

 

From time to time it shows up, that so called liberating reframe of the
word imperfect. With a bit of ‘creativity’ the word ‘imperfect’ transforms
into ‘I’m Perfect’.

 

Come on, who are we fooling here?!
I’ve got some shocking news, NOBODY is perfect. Nobody, meaning not
a single person in the world. Even those who look into the mirror and
come to the conclusion that ‘if perfect doesn’t exist, it doesn’t get much
closer than the person I’m looking at now”, you’re simply underlining that
nobody is perfect.

 

This whole ‘I’m Perfect’ nonsense to me simply proves we’re unable
to embrace our human nature. We just find it too hard to embrace our
shortcomings. Making mistakes, breaking rules or even the law, lying,
forgetting, even screwing up completely, it’s all part of life!

 

I think being perfect would also be utterly boring! Never again wondering
whether you will succeed or fail…. Always knowing in advance that
whatever you do, whatever you try will work out without any shortcoming,
not a single error at all. Every exam we take, we know beforehand we get
the maximum score.

 

Without feeling the sadness of a failed exam or a failed attempt, we would
never be able to experience the joy of succeeding. It would just be normal.
Imagine that this exciting anticipation, this wondering will it work out or
not, will be stolen away from you? This would also steel away the joy
of succeeding, of passing that exam or whatever thing we tried out…..

 

Remember that ‘joy-gasm’ the last time you heard that great news of
succeeding? When you screamed from the top of your lungs a raw and
loud ‘YES’!! Your heart-beat went up and you were dancing with joy.
Well, being perfect will steal that away from you. It’ll simply make you an
emotional flat liner. Emotionally dead.

 

Another thing. Let’s imagine for a moment you found the perfect partner.
Your partner’s words, acts, moves, looks, silence, clothes, everything
would be just perfect. I would just freaking hate myself since I’ll never be
able to keep up, to feel equal to that annoyingly perfect partner!
OK, imagine that you too are a perfect partner. So never any arguments
again, hmm, boring! And on top of that, it would steal away good old
make-up sex, nah, that could never have been the idea behind a good and
alive relationship.

 

There’s a third scary thought. Next to a totally boring, joy-less, predictable,
emotionally flat life without make-up sex, we would lose so many chances
to learn. We need to be imperfect to make mistakes whilst mistakes are a
door-opener to learn and grow. To learn and be creative whilst trying out
new ways. I believe in the old wisdom that where we fall, often the biggest
treasures can be found. Or that acronym, FAIL: First Attempt In Learning.
We need to fail, we need to be imperfect in order to learn.
So here is a small test you can do to decide if you really want to be
perfect.

 

I want a life without:

 

o Joy
o Make-up sex
o Learning

 

If you tick one or more of the boxes, I wish you good luck on your path
to perfection.

 

If you tick none of the boxes, just get over yourself and embrace your
human state of imperfection.

 

Journaling “(I’m)Perfect”:

 

• Where do I long to let go of my perfectionism?
• How is my perfectionism an obstacle to freedom and joy?
• How is my perfectionism an obstacle towards my relationships?

 

(©Alex Verlek 2019) 

I would love to see you the 12th of December at my FREE Alumni Event for Co-Active Coaches

in one of my favorite training locations in the whole world.

 

 

P.S. After just 4 days with no marketing we are over half booked.
P.P.S. So if you consider coming, book your ticket now: https://lnkd.in/dHCgJGB
P.P.P.S.This event is held in partnership with Schouten & Nelissen.

As young children we were all totally OK with our emotions. When we were sad, we allowed ourselves to be sad and probably simply cried.When we were happy, we laughed. And nothing inside us, nor anyone around us told us to do otherwise. It was all just fine.

 

Yet at some point, there was this first person who told us to not cry or to not laugh so loud. From that moment on a web of controlling mechanisms captured us and told us ‘to behave’. Whatever that may be. A system of shaming, correcting, punishment or reward tried to control our emotional behaviour. Too loud had to be dimmed, too silent had to be amplified. Too sad had to be comforted and hidden, too happy had to be normalized. Whilst nobody could give us a book which explained us what the norm was. You had to learn the hard way.

 

Many of us, at some point, experienced either an emotional explosion or an emotional implosion and the next step was an appointment with a therapist or a coach. And they worked hard, trying to reconnect us with our emotions and we had to learn how to laugh out loud again. Or we worked hard to learn how to express our anger ‘in a constructive way’ or to be with our sadness. Back to where we were, let’s say, up until the age of approximately 3 years old. Interesting process, don’t you think?

 

Dealing with our emotions in a proper way, pfff, that is hard work! Hmm, that feels weird since emotions are a normal human reaction to things that we experience. Emotions are a natural and healthy process how we can channel our energy. Emotions are ‘energy in motion, e-motion’ after all. Even the biggest spiritual teachers in the world experienced emotions, so why won’t we?

 

The question is actually, how to use that energy in a healthy way? For sure not by avoiding or ignoring them. One thing is for sure:

 

“We are killing the moment
by aiming to control our experience of it”.
 yet

Experiencing sadness is not the ultimate goal
Experiencing happiness is not the ultimate goal
Strive to simply be content with whatever is,
In any given moment.

 

By Alex Verlek, November 2019.