Part of my work is to train new coaches. I love doing that!
It’s totally in line with my purpose because I want to grow this army of positive change.
With 7.6 billion people in the world, we need a multitude of coaches. Maybe nobody needs a coach, yet I firmly believe everybody could do with one. People want to get as much as possible out of their lives and a coach can really be of great support there.
Coaches are in the business of making dreams come true. Coaches are in the business of figuring out what you really, like no kidding, really want. Coaches are in the business of holding you bigger than you dare to hold yourself as well as calling out your bullshit when you play small. They articulate who they see you be at your core, and hold up an honest mirror for you when you shy away from your magnificence.
A good coach rather gets fired for playing the game too big, than for playing it too safe.
A good coach plays with the balance between creating a really safe place for their clients and at the same time making it courageous to the point of scary. A strong coach is always willing to pick up the fight with their client’s saboteurs and shining a light on their limiting beliefs.
Coaching is about being convinced that the client holds all the answers and that they don’t need fixing.
In spite of all wonderful intentions, this is where beginning coaches, and frequently also the more experienced ones, struggle a bit.
They’re all committed to the long list above and want nothing less for their clients. They’re totally willing to go the extra mile to serve their clients. Yet, in their eagerness to do it all as good as possible, they start working…
Time and time again I tell my students that working is NOT a coaching skill!
When coaches start working, in essence they lose faith in their clients. Instead we start thinking about the perfect way to coach. Or about the solution. Every second we think, we lose a bit of connection with our clients. We start missing the verbal and non-verbal cues they give. We don’t hear that shift in tone of voice which holds valuable information. We don’t see that gesture, or twinkle or tear in their eyes so we can ask them what’s shifting.
When we work to DO coaching, we think about what happened a moment ago, or what we expect to happen in a while. So we’re no longer playing with what happens right here, right now and miss the gift of the presence.
At the same time our questions are less curious since we want to hear a certain answer. We expect or even want our clients to think and choose in a certain direction.
All that work almost guarantees the client doesn’t experience that internal shift, that aha-moment that coaches like to call transformation.
And with that, we kill the essence of coaching…
Luckily there is an antidote! My students look at me as if I’m joking when I say one of the biggest virtues for a coach is to be lazy!
And I’m serious; working is not a coaching skill and laziness should be our basic attitude.
When the coach is lazy, they can’t think. They won’t work. They let all of that to the client. All the coach needs to be is present. So we pick up the signals our client give. So we just respond to and play with what’s happening now.
All we create is an environment where we trust the client will explore new terrain. We call that terrain ‘life’. Our client’s life. For them to explore and make conscious, self-empowering choices.
Be lazy so that coaching works!
(©Alex Verlek 2019)
From time to time it shows up, that so called liberating reframe of the
word imperfect. With a bit of ‘creativity’ the word ‘imperfect’ transforms
into ‘I’m Perfect’.
Come on, who are we fooling here?!
I’ve got some shocking news, NOBODY is perfect. Nobody, meaning not
a single person in the world. Even those who look into the mirror and
come to the conclusion that ‘if perfect doesn’t exist, it doesn’t get much
closer than the person I’m looking at now”, you’re simply underlining that
nobody is perfect.
This whole ‘I’m Perfect’ nonsense to me simply proves we’re unable
to embrace our human nature. We just find it too hard to embrace our
shortcomings. Making mistakes, breaking rules or even the law, lying,
forgetting, even screwing up completely, it’s all part of life!
I think being perfect would also be utterly boring! Never again wondering
whether you will succeed or fail…. Always knowing in advance that
whatever you do, whatever you try will work out without any shortcoming,
not a single error at all. Every exam we take, we know beforehand we get
the maximum score.
Without feeling the sadness of a failed exam or a failed attempt, we would
never be able to experience the joy of succeeding. It would just be normal.
Imagine that this exciting anticipation, this wondering will it work out or
not, will be stolen away from you? This would also steel away the joy
of succeeding, of passing that exam or whatever thing we tried out…..
Remember that ‘joy-gasm’ the last time you heard that great news of
succeeding? When you screamed from the top of your lungs a raw and
loud ‘YES’!! Your heart-beat went up and you were dancing with joy.
Well, being perfect will steal that away from you. It’ll simply make you an
emotional flat liner. Emotionally dead.
Another thing. Let’s imagine for a moment you found the perfect partner.
Your partner’s words, acts, moves, looks, silence, clothes, everything
would be just perfect. I would just freaking hate myself since I’ll never be
able to keep up, to feel equal to that annoyingly perfect partner!
OK, imagine that you too are a perfect partner. So never any arguments
again, hmm, boring! And on top of that, it would steal away good old
make-up sex, nah, that could never have been the idea behind a good and
alive relationship.
There’s a third scary thought. Next to a totally boring, joy-less, predictable,
emotionally flat life without make-up sex, we would lose so many chances
to learn. We need to be imperfect to make mistakes whilst mistakes are a
door-opener to learn and grow. To learn and be creative whilst trying out
new ways. I believe in the old wisdom that where we fall, often the biggest
treasures can be found. Or that acronym, FAIL: First Attempt In Learning.
We need to fail, we need to be imperfect in order to learn.
So here is a small test you can do to decide if you really want to be
perfect.
I want a life without:
o Joy
o Make-up sex
o Learning
If you tick one or more of the boxes, I wish you good luck on your path
to perfection.
If you tick none of the boxes, just get over yourself and embrace your
human state of imperfection.
Journaling “(I’m)Perfect”:
- Where do I long to let go of my perfectionism?
- How is my perfectionism an obstacle to freedom and joy?
- How is my perfectionism an obstacle towards my relationships?
(©Alex Verlek 2019)
I would love to see you the 12th of December at my FREE Alumni Event for Co-Active Coaches
in one of my favorite training locations in the whole world.
P.S. After just 4 days with no marketing we are over half booked.
P.P.S. So if you consider coming, book your ticket now: https://lnkd.in/dHCgJGB
P.P.P.S.This event is held in partnership with Schouten & Nelissen.
As young children we were all totally OK with our emotions. When we were sad, we allowed ourselves to be sad and probably simply cried.When we were happy, we laughed. And nothing inside us, nor anyone around us told us to do otherwise. It was all just fine.
Yet at some point, there was this first person who told us to not cry or to not laugh so loud. From that moment on a web of controlling mechanisms captured us and told us ‘to behave’. Whatever that may be. A system of shaming, correcting, punishment or reward tried to control our emotional behaviour. Too loud had to be dimmed, too silent had to be amplified. Too sad had to be comforted and hidden, too happy had to be normalized. Whilst nobody could give us a book which explained us what the norm was. You had to learn the hard way.
Many of us, at some point, experienced either an emotional explosion or an emotional implosion and the next step was an appointment with a therapist or a coach. And they worked hard, trying to reconnect us with our emotions and we had to learn how to laugh out loud again. Or we worked hard to learn how to express our anger ‘in a constructive way’ or to be with our sadness. Back to where we were, let’s say, up until the age of approximately 3 years old. Interesting process, don’t you think?
Dealing with our emotions in a proper way, pfff, that is hard work! Hmm, that feels weird since emotions are a normal human reaction to things that we experience. Emotions are a natural and healthy process how we can channel our energy. Emotions are ‘energy in motion, e-motion’ after all. Even the biggest spiritual teachers in the world experienced emotions, so why won’t we?
The question is actually, how to use that energy in a healthy way? For sure not by avoiding or ignoring them. One thing is for sure:
“We are killing the moment
by aiming to control our experience of it”.
yet
Experiencing sadness is not the ultimate goal
Experiencing happiness is not the ultimate goal
Strive to simply be content with whatever is,
In any given moment.
By Alex Verlek, November 2019.
JOY IS: Breath taking views and the sounds of nature. Nothing but nature.
The place where I recharge.
My church.
I’m curious what is your favourite place to recharge?
Here is a gift for you. Fulfillment on 1 A4.
Explore what your clients need to stay on the green path. How’s their inner compass informing them. How do they keep this compass calibrated by honouring values and vision. Be curious what they want to read on the billboard when they get to the horizon. What’s the footprint they want to create whilst travelling through life. What’s the legacy they want to leave for others to create from.How does it feel in the swamp when they’re off purpose.
Let me know how it serves you, or even more important, your clients.
Have fun with it!